Nothing shall separate us...
What a long morning it has been. The news received in report was not exactly what I wanted to hear. Ashley's cultures from yesterday are still showing positive growth. We had hoped that the infection would have started to clear from her blood stream by yesterday. This is not what happened. They just finished an eco cardio gram on her checking for possible staff attatched to the heart valves. We do not know the resutls until the cardiologist reads the report. We are desperately hoping to save Ashley's line. It may not be possible if the bacterium does not start to clear soon. If there is staff on her heart valves then it is likely that it is also attatched to the central line too. The new place for a line will be in her groin area. I have hoped to avoid ever placing a central line in this area of her. Ash has continually spiked a temp every couple of hours over the last 12. Her heart rate and respiration rate also climbs along with her temperature. I am praying our "new" prayer list specifically several times a day. My prayer is that God will allow her to stay off of the ventilator. All in all, my sweet Ashley just feels crummy today. She is finally resting and I hope that during this nap her body will do some really good healing.
I am fighting a heavy heart today. Along with Ashley there are some really sick children on the floor today. This battle is not mine alone. There are countless mommies sitting in ICUs all over the country praying the same prayers for their children that I am praying for mine. The one thing that I know with an unwaivering faith is that the Father is with all of us. He is listening to my prayers along with the many, many other parents who are crying out for their children as well. I know that He loves my Ashley. I know this because of what He promises me. I know this because I believe that God is holy, and righteous, and loving, and just. I know that He wants what is best for my daughter, and I am trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a reason. When you love someone you want the very best for them. Sometimes what is best for us hurts. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it may take a while for us to realize that what is happening is for our own good. Today I am thinking that this difficult course my Ashley is on is for His purpose. He has a plan for her, and He is working it in her life. There is a scripture that has been on my heart since I woke up early this morning. I don't know why, but I have repeated it to myself more times than I can count today. Romans 8:38-39:
"For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalites, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is found through Christ Jesus."
So I know without a doubt that neither prematurity, or NEC, or short bowel syndrome, or liver disease, or strabismus, or transplant, or sepsis, or bacterium, or staff, or death, OR ANY OTHER THING shall be able to separate my Ashley from the love of God. He loves her, and because He loves her He wants to do what is best for her. I may never understand why she goes through all that she does, but I do understand that God loves her and He loves me. Today it is this understanding of what He promises me that will help get us through until tomorrow.