Deep in My Heart
There are things that I hide deep inside of my heart concerning my sweet Ashley Kate that I speak of to no one else. Not even Dave. I have tried to share with him some of these things, but he does reside in the land of daisies and rainbows and his mind does not allow him to go there. In a way I wish that I could live in this land along with him and that my mind would not allow me to see the things that I see while taking care of my beautiful baby. Tonight as I tuck her to bed these things scream at me as I watch her struggle. There are days when things are worse than others and today just seems to be one of those days.
After my Ashley was born and we were told of the many possible struggles she may have to face in her lifetime I found myself seeking God more than I ever had before. I prayed earnestly that His will be done and accomplished in my little one's life and as the medical community continued to "hit" us with the possible diagnosis' she could be labeled with my prayer became this," Allow her to give and receive love. Let her be happy." That was it. Nothing more. In our own naive way I believe there was a time in her life that we thought she would be fine. All she required was for us to love her. To tell the truth, she is fine. She is happy and she is loved, but as her mommy I am very aware of more and more disabilities and differences that my Ashley has and others do not.
Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart. A heavy heart that is so full of thanksgiving for her life and her victories,but also burdened with the knowledge that I must continue to seek and find answers that give my sweet baby the best possible life she can have. As I prepare to climb into bed next to my Allie who lives a life filled with health and I snuggle up next to the daughter who can walk, run, jump, climb,speak, sing, communicate, and anything else her little heart desires my heart breaks and my tears fall for my other daughter, my youngest daughter, my sweet Ashley Kate who may never do any of these things. How I wish for her to have the same opportunities that I had always taken for granted in my other children's lives.
It is now my job to not only help her survive, but to live the most fulfilling life possible. I believe in the deepest part of my heart that He has a plan for her, I just have to help her seek it and find it so that she may fulfill not my dreams for her life but His. Deep in my heart I know what I know I am just to afraid to put it out there for the world to see, to label, to judge. They will find out all to soon and so for now I keep these things hidden inside and pray that if it be His will that they might pass over her rather than come to pass in her. Regardless of the outcome she is my daughter, the one I longed for, the one I prayed for, and the one I would give my life for so that she might keep hers. Nothing else matters except for this one thing, she resides deep in my heart and it is there that she will always be.