Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Peace Vs. Panic

I am assuming that at some point in Ashley's life I will reach the point in her recovery that peace will overcome the panic. Am I just being naive? I desperately pray that life will just take on a normalcy where I can wake up each morning and just live without my heart racing to the point of making me feel as though I am going to pass out. As you have already figured out, I am not yet to that point.

Today I took my Allison out for a few hours of just "girl" time. We had a set of Gym Bucks calling our name that had to spent by tomorrow and our Ashley has outgrown the majority of her clothing. P.J.s we have plenty, but now that she is out of the hospital the little one requires "real" clothes for the "real" world. I mean her world which basically consists of sitting in Grandma's house and going to doctors appointments with the occasional walk outside in the spring air. So off to Tyler Al and I journeyed leaving Ash in the exceptional care of 2 of her grandmothers. Allison had a list of things she needed as well. Like flip flops in every color, sand art, and band aids. She also got a new haircut(which looks amazing!). Anyway, we were sitting in Tyler enjoying a little lunch and decided to call to check on our Ashley for the 5th or 6 th time. After talking to Blake he told me that grandma would like to speak with me. O.k. nothing out of the ordinary, until she shared with me that Ashley was making a funny sound as she slept. Uh,oh. My Ashley is SO predictable. Whenever she makes this "grunting" sound in her sleep, we know something is coming on. It usually begins about 24 hours prior to her becoming very, very, sick. Grandma had actually been visiting in Omaha on one occasion when this was the case, so she knew she needed to let me know that Ash was making this sound. Now comes the panic. I could feel my heart racing and my head swirling with a thousand different thoughts all at the same time. I knew I would like to get back to grandmas as fast as I could, but I did not need to put Allie into a panic along with me. How was I going to pull of the fastest return trip in the history of the world without placing my Allison in danger or placing concern in her heart?

As I traveled the back roads from Tyler to home I prayed and prayed and prayed. Please God let this be nothing. Please get us back quickly so I could make a decision. Please, please, please. Between my prayers I was busy singing parts of Disney songs that Allison had lined up to be mine and trying to not let her know how concerned I was about her sister. At some point along the road home my panic began to be overcome with peace. I kept telling myself, this can't be anything worse than what we have already been through. Shes tough. She can handle whatever is going on. I will pick her up, head over to Dallas, have Dave meet me at the hospital, and tackle whatever lays in store for her. No big deal. We can do this. Upon arriving home and examining her I could find no signs of trouble. She was no longer "grunting". She was sleeping peacefully as I looked over every single part of her and every single piece of anything coming out of her. She's fine. Her color is good. No fever. No signs of distress. She actually looks better than I have ever seen her look. My heart slowed back into its normal rhythm as I talked with my mother in law about how Ash had been for the whole morning. Just tired. Weak and sleepy. Comfortable but clammy. All normal behaviors post chemo treatments for Ash. She made the "grunting" sounds for approx. 45 minutes, but woke smiling as we talked. I think she is ok, and now I am trying to figure out how to just experience peace without the panic the next time I get a call. I have no idea when I will accomplish this. I just know that I need to.

I am now at the house ready to dig in and do a little more demolishing. I'm pretty good at this. Maybe its all the stress that is coming out of the end of my hammer? Maybe I really was cut out to be a contractor? Either way, its kind of fun so here I go again. I will talk to you guys later(if I am still in one piece). Take care. Trish


At 4:29 PM , Anonymous dee said...

It's so nice to hear how well you are all doing! (Except for the panic attacks, of course!) I have missed reading your posts every day, but hopefully will be able to keep up a little better now that things have settled down a little (but only a little!).

At 6:27 PM , Blogger jtcosby said... could have ended that last post with a "if I am all in one peace" instead of piece...sorry. Couldn't resist! You are a much calmer, more controlled, more logical mom than I am and I strive to be more like you! I think you rock girl!!!!

At 9:10 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish you have handled everything so well. You truly amaze me as does the rest of your family. I know your fear comes from what you have been through and I totally understand. I am also afraid this panic comes with the "mom territory". There is something that happens in us when we thing our precious babies are in some type of danger or being harmed. I pray that your fear gets normal with the rest of us protective mothers that are just trying to keep our little ones safe and comfortable. I love your family and you are in our prayers.

At 11:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish-now having read your posts for about a month or so...I think you handle things quite well. I so appreciate your openness. I am also praising the Lord that little Ashley was OK when you arrived to see her. She is so tough and amazing. Just like her Mommy. You are in my prayers, as usual. Take care and God Bless!!!!!



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