How I wish...
How I wish I were numb. Not able to feel the hurt or the sting of another's words. How I wish I could pretend that it didn't matter to me what other's thought or said about me and my family. How I wish I could take this journal back from the world and share it only with those it was originally started for. It was written and designed as a source of information and insight for our family. For those people in this world who we knew we could trust with our raw emotion, our brokenness, our baby and her fight to live. I never expected to share my heart the good parts or the bad, the beautiful parts or the ugly with the entire world. It just happened. As it unfolded I stepped back and decided I would allow Him to use it in any way that He chose. How I wish that this had never been opened up to those with anger, bitterness, hatefullness, unkind words, ill will, or judgemental tendicies. How I wish I could look at Him and say, " give it all back. Give it back to Dave and I and don't ever allow it to go anywhere else." I won't say that. I don't have the right to ask Him to do this. He gave our baby to us and how dare I try and be selfish with her story and with her life. How I wish other people and their opinions did not hurt so very bad.
How I wish that I could walk this path and never stumble. How I wish that I lived this part of my life flawlessly. How I wish that I could do this on my own, but one thing HE has taught me is that we were never created to live this life alone. How I wish I could re write the pages of this journal, the ugly pages, and make it into something beautiful and perfect, but that would make me dishonest. One thing I refuse to be is a liar. I will not pretend that this is easy. I will not look at another transplant family and tell them that all will be fine, things will be perfect, their lives will end up happily ever after, and their child will grow up to a ripe old age without any illness, set backs, or surprises. That is not the truth. The truth of this journey is found in the pages of her story. Blessings abound, strength is given, help is there, support is just a prayer away, miracles lay around every corner, His presence is made know if you are searching, your tears are collected by the very one who created your child, but IT IS NOT EASY. THERE IS NOT ALWAYS A HAPPY ENDING. IT WILL BE HARD. REAL LIFE AND THE WORLD AROUND YOU REFUSE TO STOP JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HURTING, JUST BECAUSE YOUR VERY SOUL, YOUR PRECIOUS BABY IS DYING.
How I wish I had it all figured out and how I wish I could erase the moments when I fall because of my weaknesses. How I wish I could make other people kinder and more understanding. How I wish I could make "some" people realize that I would never say an unkind, hateful, bitter, mean spirited thing to you as you opened up your heart to the world. How I wish I could make you like me a little more. How I wish you had the desire to beome my friend, because I think you would find out that I know I am blessed and I know my little Ashley is a miracle in the making. How I wish I had done a better job to make you see my heart. My true self.
How I wish it didn't sting and make me cry and how I wish my precious Allie did not have to walk in and catch me reading the very words that broke me. Now I am wishing that I had never done this because today your words not only hurt me but you hurt my nine year old daughter who wants to know why you would want to make me cry. How I wish I could rewind today and never turn on this computer to allow you to interfere in my daughter's world.
How I wish I had read the text book, the one that prepared me for all of this, a little more. I know that He will heal my hurt and He will give me the strength to pull this part of my life off. That is one thing I don't have to wish for, because I know He is faithfull.