Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Parenting is tough

Tonight I find myself struggling. Trust me this has nothing to do with the earlier posts about looking for something in"God's Ballpark" concerning my son or the decision to allow Ashley to live by giving her a transplant that caused her to have cancer and suffering. I can't even entertain that anymore.

My Allison has earned the right to represent her class at the Math Olympics in Plano tomorrow. This is something we are so proud of her for. She is a very good student and she works hard at it. What a privelage it is to go. I have been planning on attending with her since returning home from Omaha. She is thrilled that I am going with her. I have missed every class party, every field trip, and every important third grade happening this year. I don't want to miss this.

My dilemma is that our Ashley is still sick and we really think she will have to be admitted to the hospital tomorrow. She is not getting over this cough and cold and tonight she has started to spike a temperature. As soon as it hits 101 then she must go for an automatic 48 hour stay while we draw cultures from her line. I tried very hard last week to get someone, anyone to make a decision about what to do with her last week. Finally on Friday afternoon the transplant coordinator told me I could use some over the counter meds. These have helped her to cough up some mucus and to sleep, but other than that she is still the same. The problem is that Ash has a central line and the temp could be related to an infection in the line which could go into the blood stream very quickly and become dangerous for her. I think the cultures are necessary to rule out the possibility of an infection, but I am still praying that it is just related to her cough and cold.

Tomorrow we have decided (although I am sure there will be many who disagree) that it is too important to Allison for me to miss her event. She needs to know how very important she is and how very proud we are of her for this accomplishment. Ash can't go. She can not be around groups of people so she must stay here. I am having a hard time knowing that I will be driving off at 4:30 in the morning and not returning to her until 5:00p.m tomorrow evening. My heart is torn between my two girls who are both equally loved and equally important to us. This is when parenting gets hard. They both need and require attention at the same time and this makes for a tough decision.

I would really appreciate your prayers tonight and tomorrow. Please pray for me to be able to show my excitement and give our Allison the much needed and deserved time with mom, but also pray for my Ashley to be safe until I return. I trust her daddy and her grandma's to take good care of her, but it is a very difficult thing for me to leave town without her. I pray that her fever goes away. I pray that her blood is clear of infection. I pray for her cough to disappear. I pray that He holds her close while I am out of town for the day.

I almost hesitate to even post, but I depend so much on those of you who specifically pray for our baby gherkin. I know I will be judged, disagreed with, and probably reprimanded for this decision by some, but your prayers are worth all of that. One sincere prayer on her behalf is worth so much to me. Thank you for your continued presence and encouragement and support. I love you guys for loving her and for loving HIM. Good night and God Bless. Trish


At 10:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yea for Allison. She needs your undivided attention now and then too. She was your baby until Ashley came along. Even though she loves her baby sister your going with her tomorrow will mean more to her than anyone will ever know. Ashley will be well taken care of. Just look at how God has taken care of her so far.

At 10:53 PM , Blogger Robyn said...

Trish I'm so glad you are going! I can only imagine how torn you must feel to leave Ashley behind when she is unwell, but you deserve a break and a chance to celebrate and rejoice with Allison too. I am PRAYING that you can go off with a peaceful heart, knowing that Ashley is in good hands and that you and Allison have a very special day together. I'm praying too for safety and improving help for your precious pickle.

At 11:07 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Trish, I'm glad you are going with Allie, though I can only imagine how difficult that decision has been. I'm, Karen

At 11:24 PM , Anonymous mrsvargas said...

My prayers are with you, may your "little pickle" just have the cold that was in your household.

At 11:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Trish,

I have been a daily reader for over 6 months now. I am VERY sorry about all of the past bad comments left by people. They not only hide behind being anonymous, but also hide behind closed doors at home in front of a computer screen. They do not see Ashley and your family like we all do. You all are a REAL family with REAL feelings.

It is not our job to judge you all. We come here to check on Ash and pray for her to get better. I may not agree with everything you all do, but who cares? You may not agree with what all I do in my life either. As Christians we must learn to respect and love one another even if we do not agree with one another. The main thing is that we agree with one another on the main truths of our lives which is basically the Golden Rule - love God = love neighbor.

Anyway, I know this is long and Ash is sick now, but I wanted to let you know you have a big fan and a big supporter here in LA - love, Pam

At 12:22 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish--this isn't about who agrees or diagrees with what you do with your precious children. It's about a Mommy with a sick baby and two other precious souls who need her too. I am glad you are going with Allie and that you get that time with her. And YAY Allison! I also pray that Ashley will improve over night as to ease your mind. I will be praying as always for you and your precious family.



At 12:27 AM , Anonymous Tiffany said...

Trish, I am glad you are going. I can feel your dilemma as I read your post and while I cannot even understand, I sympathize. But this will be good for you and Allison. She needs to know physically that you love her and are proud of her. Plus, this will be good for you too. You deserve a chance to celebrate and hang out with your other children.

I will pray for a peaceful heart tomorrow. I will pray for Ashley and for the rest of your family. She is in good hands.

At 5:45 AM , Blogger Carey said...

Your doing the right thing. Allie needs you just as much as Ashley does. Im praying for all of you, healing from a cold, no infections, sfe travels, and for God to be with you at all times.

At 6:36 AM , Anonymous marva mcrae said...

Trish, You are following your Mother's heart.............the one God gave you. You are foing the right thing! Congrats to Allie by the way. Praying for a safe trip there and back and praying for Ash's health as in Alabama!

At 7:18 AM , Blogger ManyBlessings said...

I've also been a lurker for months here and feel it's time for me to finally come out and speak up.

Trish, I have watched you struggle through so many difficult situations with grace and wisdom. This decision today is no different. You are a wonderful mother and wife and I pray that you realize how much your decisions will impact the lives of your oldest children. You are teaching them kindness, compassion, and most of all a deep, abiding love.

Please don't listen to those who would bring you down. Go and enjoy your daughter and know that you and Ashley are being covered in prayers by many who have come to care about you all.

At 8:12 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are praying in my house too, both for little Ashley and for you and Allison. WAY TO GO ALLISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to you! Sunshine

At 8:13 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

O Trish, what an awful spot to be in: while Ashley is sick, Allison has accomplished something so great. It must be so hard to know that both girls would have suffered equally without their mommy with them. What a heart-wrenching thing to have on your shoulders.

Trish, praying that you are able to enjoy your time with Allison today (without too much worry about Ashley--there will be worry, but hopefully not so much as to taint the day), that Allison appreciates and celebrates her accomplishments (and some special time with her mom), that Ashley's daddy and grandmas take good care of her in your absence, and that God works to see His will done in her life.

God Bless

At 8:41 AM , Blogger Wendy said...

What mother wouldn't feel this horrible tug on her heartstrings? I don't know you - not really - yet I feel like I do from reading your honest thoughts and feelings; and I can tell you are a wonderful mom. Of course, Allison needs you to be there! Of course you will worry about Ashley! You are being pulled in two opposite directions and you must believe in yourself as a mom that you are making the right decision for your family. I will pray that God places peace on your heart today so you may fully enjoy your time with Allison; and I pray that he will keep protective arms around Ashley while you are gone. God bless and *hugs*

At 9:08 AM , Blogger Amy T said...

Since you've already left, I'll say that I prayed for your day and I hope all went well. I can tell that you seek God's guidance in all you do and that is what's important. No one else can tell you what God is telling you to do. Only you know that. Good for you and good for Allison! What an achievement in the midst of all that is going on! You have done an amazing job of keeping your kids' lives as "normal" as you can. God smiles on you, I am positive. I've been praying for Ashley every time she crosses my mind.

At 10:56 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think this will be so good for Allison.

At 1:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Trish--on another note--be sure and let us know how Allison did at the Olympics. I can't wait to hear how she did.

Yay Allison!!! :-)

At 1:05 PM , Blogger jtcosby said...

Praying for Ashley's temperature to BE GONE! I know you will have an amazing time with Allison, that is so awesome!!! :)

At 1:55 PM , Anonymous katy said...

Good luck to Allison. Can you imagine the radiant smile that child will have to spend that much time with her sweet Mom. Praying for peace for you throughout the day. May you enjoy this day. It's a tough call but I think you made the right one!

At 3:39 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

It's so hard once you have more than one child--there are so many decisions that make me feel torn between my three children!

I'll be praying for you and Allison as you travel, for her at the Olympics, and for sweet Ashley to get over this bug quickly! And I'm also praying that God either protects you from the anonymous people who can't refrain from leaving hateful messages on your blog, or that He gives you the grace and strength to push past them :)

At 7:10 PM , Blogger Amanda said...

Trish, just praying for you! You're the mama of more than just one. Be encouraged!

At 8:52 PM , Blogger amanda said...

I had at least three different responses in my head to the nasty comments made on here previously. Then, I looked back at what Trish had written and realized that none of what she wrote expressed feelings of anger. This, to me is amazing in itself because those comments made ME angry and they weren't directed at me. I can't think of anyone with whom I agree with 100% of the time and sometimes, you have to let the differences go (which should be A LOT easier in this situation since there is a COMPUTER and maybe even HUNDREDS OF MILES separating one person from another and no one should be forcing anyone to come read ASHLEY'S STORY). So, congrats to Trish for taking the high road on this one...I probably would have had some pretty nasty things to say. I hope you all had fun today.

At 6:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you. I had to leave my preemie in the hospital to care for my oldest. It was heart-wrenching but after everyone in my family shouldering the load for my family while I was in the hospital on bedrest for a month I had no other options. So, I feel for you and understand how hard these things are for a mother. But Allison needs you to celebrate her triumphs too! You need to enjoy these special moments with each of your children. (Here I am saying this probably a day or two after the event.)


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