Peace

I feel it all around me. It truly is a wonderful thing.

So many days I have longed for it. So many days I have prayed for it to come. So many days I have struggled with hurt, with doubt, with fear.

Last night as we walked into our home I could see it on her tiny face too. Her eyes tell me so much more than words could ever say. She recognized it. Her house. Her home. She is so tired and weak, but it didn't stop her from patting my shoulder as we walked into her nursery as if to say, "Thanks mommy for bringing me back."

The children each in their own beds was such a wonderful sight. Blake in his reading, Allie in hers journaling, and Ashley in hers dreaming. That is a feeling of peace. Knowing where all of your children are. Knowing they are safe. Knowing they are just footsteps away from me if I long to peek in at them.

"When was the last time we were all in the house in our own beds?", Dave asked.

"September 25th." I answered. It was silent for a moment, and I listened to the hum of our ceiling fan as I tried to look around our bedroom in the dark.

"Did you ever think you would bring her back home?"

The tears welled up inside of me as I prepared my answer. "No. I really did not think that she would make it back home." I silently cried myself to sleep as I felt an overwhelming release.

How ugly it is for me to have to admit that. I hide it deep inside of me and only share it with the Father. I was scared. I was unsure. I was struggling. The memories of some of the events over the past 8 months haunt me, but there is another side to those memories. There is a testimony that was being molded. There is joy that came from the sorrows. There are victories that came from our defeats. He was always there and He was always working.

Even though some things continue to make me unsure and even though some things around the house are not complete, I still feel peaceful inside. Its so hard to describe, but all I can share with you is that my world seems right. My Ashley is home. I am home. Our family is home, and it is such a nice place to be.

Ash slept the majority of today. Her liver numbers are still a little out of whack and we don't know why. Her WBC's are very low, but I am praying for her to begin recovering soon. It is so difficult to watch her struggle every three weeks, but I am so thankful that she only has to go through it one more time. I am ready for chemo to be over, and I pray that she never has to experience it again. Thank you so much for checking on our tiny pickle today. Good night and God bless you. Trish