Memory Lane

Its so bittersweet. I have spent the better part of the past two days traveling this road. I have watched hours and hours of home video and organized, transferred, and labeled years of our family memories. I have laughed out loud(so loud it made the kids come running to see what was so funny), and I have shed buckets of tears as I watched my children growing up before my eyes. How precious a gift parenthood is to me.

Today I experienced such a wide range of emotion. Dave came home and I convinced him to sit still and watch a little of the footage with me. We smiled ear to ear as we watched Allie take her first steps. We laughed belly laughs as we listened to Blake sing, "Take me out to the Ballgame" in his four year old voice. We fought back tears as we heard our sweet Ashley lay in her crib and say over and over again, "My mama. My mama." Oh, how I miss that sweet voice! We listened to her hum along as I sang her a lullaby. We watched her play peek a boo and patty cake with such ease. How blessed our years have been. The kids joined us after awhile and they laughed together as they saw some of the sillier things they have done. The time just slips by. My Blake is almost 12 years old. That little boy who stole my heart has disappeared and he now sits next to me on the couch as a young man who loves to talk about the future. So grown up and so mature. Our chubby cheeked, brown eyed baby girl is now a beautiful young lady who paints, and creates, and reads novels instead of picture books. My baby gherkin, our tiny pickle, is now weighing 23 lbs. Her soft curls are gone, but so is her yellow skin. When I pick her up to cuddle her she smells of baby lotion and shampoo. Before her transplant her skin smelled so very toxic from her TPN. Nothing I tried could mask the smell of the chemicals.

Dave and I were discussing who she was then and who she is now. It is undeniable that her brain has taken on some insult and injury. Somewhere along the way she took a hit. She no longer says, "mama". She struggles to remember patty cake. Clapping her hands takes so much effort. She is different. She is slower, but she is alive. She has organs. She looks healthy. She is growing and getting stronger and stronger. She is living life to the fullest and smiling all the while. She is happy. She is amazing. She is loved.

To say that my trip down memory lane was all pleasant is a lie. There were clips that caused me to feel pain. It stung my heart as I watched her struggling on the days after her transplant.
Sometimes the remembering hurt, but I think those memories serve as a reminder to me of all that He has done. Its been an emotional day. As it comes to an end, and I watch her sleeping I am nothing but grateful. I am glad we decided to document her journey. The videos and the pictures tell so much of her story. Some day she will look on them and know how very far the Father brought her. She will see with her own eyes that He has protected her, has loved her, and has created her to serve Him. He lovesher so much and what better way to teach her that then with her very own story?

She is sleeping and resting now. She hasn't thrown up in a couple of hours. I am going to begin her feeds again and see how she does through the night. Nothing suspicious came up in her lab work. I think she just caught a little bug. She never had a fever and thats the biggest thing we watch for when she isn't feeling well. Thanks for praying for her today. Your time spent here is so very appreciated. Good night my friends. Trish