Look at this face and...

tell me how.

How?

How am I supposed to explain to her why?

How am I supposed to help her understand?

How am I supposed to put her life on the line?

How am I supposed to do this?

I don't know HOW.

Transplant called today. Ashley's lab values were called into them on a alert status basis. Her platelets plunged again today. From 250,00 to 49,ooo. If they drop again tomorrow she has to be admitted for transfusion. Why are her platelets under attack? Who knows. The best answer we get is "infection", "part of the process", "results of a liver that is declining and struggling with each new infection".

So the question on every one's mind is this, "Are you ready to list her for transplant?"

My answer today, "No". No I'm not ready to take the little girl in that photograph above and send her down the hall not knowing if she will ever wake up to be that little girl above ever again. How am I supposed to EVER be ready for this?

The next question is this, "At what point will these infection take their toll on her body to the point that she won't be able to be listed." When is the "time" up? NO one knows.

Either way I'm gambling with her life. I'm not a gambler. I'm a mom. A mom that wants to protect her from ever suffering again. A mom that wants to give her the best quality of life possible this side of heaven. A mom that is TERRIFIED of going back to a place that is so familiar and yet so different.

Why can't she just be allowed to grow up? WHY? WHY? WHY?

My heart hurts tonight. It hurts so deeply. My head hurts from the pressure I'm under. My eyes burn from the tears that fall. I love my daughter. I don't want to watch her suffer. With or without a transplant. I only want the very best life for her.

Look at this face and make it all go away. That is what my heart hopes and yet its so far out of my reach. I can't help my baby. I can't do anything. I'm helpless and as a parent it is the WORST feeling in the world. The stress, turmoil, emotions, and pressure are building and building and building inside of me. I hurt so much I can't function today. Going through the motions, trying to hide my tears.