A Foreign Land
I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really struggling right now. This place is like a foreign land and I feel as though Ash and I have been dropped off and left without a clue. I realize we have been here before and we should be all too acquainted with the place, but its different. Maybe its because we went home and it felt so good to be there. Maybe its because I feel like we have received no real answers or direction. We are here...for how long...nobody knows...indefinitely?
There is nothing normal or natural about raising your child in a hospital room. Routine, familiarity, family, peace... we have none of that here. I do not decide when she wakes up. I do not decide when she eats. I do not decide who enters her world. I do not decide who touches her. I do not decide anything. I am here, but all I do is stand and watch. It doesn't feel natural, but by now you would think I should be used to it. It feels like I am an outsider. A stranger almost. The routine is decided by someone who has never even met my baby. The caretakers are chosen by people who do not know me. I am asked, "Do you stay with her all night?" As if I am doing something wrong. Honestly, where else would a mommy be? This is my job. This is what I do. I take care, provide for, protect, comfort, look out for my children. That doesn't cease because she is sick and I have entered into this foreign land. I am her mom and where she is I am. I don't know how to do this any other way.
How frightened would you be if you were dropped off in a strange new land where the people although they mean well cause you pain? Imagine if you couldn't communicate with them. You don't speak their language or you have lost your ability to speak. The fear that would envelope you is the fear I see in my Ashley's eyes each time a new person approaches her bed. She does not understand that they are ultimately trying to help her. What does she understand? She understands that I am her constant. Her safe place. I have been with her and I will comfort her. She trusts me, because she knows I love her. I am going no where. This is what I do. I take care of my children.
To be asked if I had ever considered that my presence is disturbing our Ashley or keeping her from sleep is hurtful. It cuts deep into the heart of this mommy. It causes me to cry myself to sleep. Please put yourself in our shoes for just one moment and consider if it were your child, your baby. I guarantee you would be here too. She is frightened by your presence and not mine. She doesn't know that you are trustworthy. She doesn't understand.
A foreign land is where we now reside. A necessary but unpleasant trip. A trip that must be endured, but is not comfortable. A trip where some of the locals become treasured friends, but many are not. Deciding who is who can be tricky. My goal on this unplanned trip is to protect my daughter's health. To be used by the Father in any way He sees fit. To make a difference in my daughter's life, and to travel this road with compassion, integrity, respect, and humility. I pray that along the way we will encounter more friend than foe and that somehow we will show them the love of Christ.
As one of our nurses said just the other day (brace yourselves because it is a little blunt) "Mean people suck!" and that is how I am feeling today. Please forgive me if I offend anyone.
Your prayers for this weary traveler and her tiny companion continue to spur us on to "love and good works". If it weren't for the prayers of many I am afraid I would have said some ugly and unkind things. Ash is sleeping(even though I am in the room) and I am going to do a little more reading. Please know how much you are loved and appreciated. Trish
posted by Ashley @ 8:18 PM
42 Comments:
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this!
You ARE Ashley's protection and comfort and security!
She heals everytime no matter how sick she gets because she gets so much love from you. A person heals greatly from love.
I will be praying...
I can't imagine not being with one of my babies if they were going through something like this. Just thinking of them alone in a hospital wondering where I am makes me sick to my stomach. You are an amazing selfless mommy and Ashley isn't terrified because of you. And God is blessing you and taking care of your family because you are taking care of his baby! All of them are his babies and you and Dave are doing a wonderful job. Still praying!
You are one mighty fine Mama, Trish...doing just what any good and wonderful,loving Mama would do.
Our prayers are ever with your family.
We don't know you in person, but your family has become a part of our prayers because of Jesus (and also on a small scale E. Texas :)
Sleep well, both of you! Keep your Hope in Him and do not lose your confidence, Sister.
Love in His Mighty Name, Jesus,
holly
I have been in that land before - not in regards to a hospital - but looking out for the best interests for my little ones and so often I am questioned and made to feel like somehow that is wrong...it is so painful because you love them so much and you want the best for them and then when someone socks you right in the vulnerable spot - it hurts! Little Ashley has been through so much and she is so little - only two years old - she needs you - God chose you and Dave to be her covering! I agree with what the nurse said about mean people - the words and actions of someone can cut so deeply. I will be praying for you sweet girl - you are so precious to us. The plan may not be clear to anyone else - but God has a plan! He has a plan for you and Ashley. He loves you all so much. Thank you for sharing your heart - it really helps to lift you up in prayer when we know the specifics of what to pray for! Sunshine
Oh,I wish I knew what to say....I have never left my children when they have been in the hospital. We have never had a stay as long as yours, but I could not imagine it. We have a special needs child who is non-verbal for the most part and it is scary and heart breaking to know that he doesn't always understand what is going on when they are doing something as simple as taking a temp or checking an oxygen level. Some people truly do not understand. Any sick child needs a parent for comfort and security. I will be praying. Hang in there, I know it is a long road to travel, but I hope our prayers can help carry you along the way.
Beth
Trish, How my heart aches for you and Ashley. I wish I had some kind of magic wand or magic power to make it all better, to send you and your sweet pickle on your way home to the rest of your family where you belong. We both know only our God can do that, but I can and will continue to pray, for Ashleys healing, for peace and comfort for you both As a mother myself, I would be right where you are, an army could not pull me away. Your baby needs you, I dont understand why someone would even question that.No one else can replace a mothers touch..a mothers kiss or a mothers arms when you are scared. You are right..Mean People Suck!!. Hold your head up high knowing you are the *BEST* thing for Ashley and her journey back to feeling better. God Bless you sweet heart.Praying.
Of course you're with her,I know there is nowhere else you want to be. How could anyone not understand that! Your not there alone, we're all with you, but more important God is there.
i work with youth so it doesn't bother me to say the "suck" word! and mean people do just that. oh, my word, trish, of course you are exactly where you are supposed to be. don't ever doubt it. take strength from all us moms (this 58 yr old one) who would NEVER consider leaving our sick children alone in a hospital. you continue to stay close to ashley, loving her, kissing her and praying over her. that is EXACTLY what she needs! and don't let anyone tell you anything different. God is giving you the strength and stamina to do the job He has entrusted you with. Stay the course! praying steadfastly, jan431
Honestly, this shocks me. Not that I am questioning that it happened at all. It just doesn't make any sense to me that someone would find it odd that you are there. I would find it odd if someone were NOT with their toddler child in such an intense situation. I just can't even wrap my mind around the reason for THEIR confusion, Christian or not. I will be praying for this specifically for you, and for the person who asked it.
Your presence is the only comfort and security Ashley has. How could anyone tell you that you are wrong to stay with her! I would not leave my child's side either, you're right that's what we do. I am praying for you and Ashley and I am believing God will continue to work in her. Your theory may be right. I think Doctors want to have everything go the way they "should" according to medical science. If you have an idea that doesn't make "sense" to them they're quick to dismiss it. It must feel better to be out anyway. My daughters and I check on baby Ashley often and we're praying for her and your family.
You are one awesome mommy Trish! Just remember that you are such an inspiration to all of us.
We are praying for you! Hope you all get some good rest tonight. Hugs!
Trish:
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could be there to give you comfort and help you through this. It would definitely hurt to hear that you could be disturbing your daughter's sleep by being there. Crazy people! When my son was in the hospital I spent every minute there with him and didn't leave until we went home. You are right; that's a Mommy's job. I am so proud of you! I know you are struggling, but you keep plugging and it's amazing! I have come to love your little girl so much I just can't stay away from here! Hope you don't mind! :-) And you are right about the "mean people." Unfortunately we have to endure them during awful times like you are in now. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. Remember that you YOU are Ashley's protection, advocate, helper, caretaker, and more. I am proud of you!
Prayerfully considered tonight!
Shari
Sweet Trish,
You are doing exactly what any mommy would do for their child. And yes, you are a stranger in a strange land by being in that hospital. Jesus had prayed that God keep us because we were in the world, but not of the world. But Jesus is in your world right there in Ashleys room and He is all over the both of you, covering you with His love and comfort. You are the best mommy and that is why He chose you to be her parents. I am so happy to hear that she is sleeping and secure knowing when she opens her eyes, she will see YOU. Maybe when mean people make stupid comments, they are feeling their own inadequacies and have nothing better to say. You just keep being the greatest mom to Ashley and we will continue non-stop prayer for you from out here okay? And I am really praying for Jesus to fill the lonliness in your heart, to be your ALL and refresh your tired Spirit. He loves you so much and so do I. Sweet sleep for you girls tonight and for results to come early.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
PS. When are you going to post us your wish list??:) Let us do what we can to help a sister who is in a strange land.:)
It is so hard to have children in a ICU situation and you are a beautiful example of motherhood! I have been so touched by your story and I am amazed at the disregard of so many who have become hardened to the obvious good of a parent being with their child as much as possible.
It is particularly difficult in an ICU situation as so many of the nurses and doctors have hardened themselves to the blessings and benefits of parental involvement because either they don't want parents interfering or they simply aren't used to parents being there all the time.
I'll be praying for you and precious Ashley and truly hope you'll be home soon. In the meantime please accept some virtual hugs and support!
I have been following Ashley's story for about a week now. When I first came here, I stayed up well into the night reading (or at least skimming) all of your posts. I am amazed and inspired by your strength, and I know it is hard to stay strong all the time. I am praying for you and Ashley.
This is the day which the Lord hath made; we WILL rejoice and be glad in it!
Bless you Mom.
Whoever questioned you being there with Ash does not understand what it is to be a parent, does not understand the human element in the practice of medicine. Let's hope it was a young, inexperienced person and not someone who should know better.
We are with you in prayer.
Susan
When you get a chance, will you read this? I think it will bless you so much!! It is a verse done in art and I think it speaks ove your situation. I'm printing it and praying it over you and me, too :)
Love and prayers,
Holly
Link:
http://5purposedriven.wordpress.com/2007/10/06/mighty-to-save/
I would never leave my child no matter what. It sounds like alot more attitude than the last time Ashley was in the hospital. How could they think it would not be better for her to have her mommy?
I am praying for you alot Trish and I pray you are uplifted tomorrow.
It stinks that you and Ashley have to go through any of this. I so wish you could just be home. It's something I'm sure you never take for granted, unlike many of the rest of us. Anyway, you probably don't need to hear it from another stranger, but you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. You know Ashley better than anyone else, and she is so blessed to have the family she has. I pray for you tonight, sister. May God give you discernment as you sift through the many people coming in and out, and determine who you can trust. I think God is doing work through you that you may never see on this earth. Again, I want to help hold you and Ashley up in prayer, as well as Dave, Blake, and Allie.
It stinks that you and Ashley have to go through any of this. I so wish you could just be home. It's something I'm sure you never take for granted, unlike many of the rest of us. Anyway, you probably don't need to hear it from another stranger, but you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. You know Ashley better than anyone else, and she is so blessed to have the family she has. I pray for you tonight, sister. May God give you discernment as you sift through the many people coming in and out, and determine who you can trust. I think God is doing work through you that you may never see on this earth. Again, I want to help hold you and Ashley up in prayer, as well as Dave, Blake, and Allie.
Trish,
I was in your shoes 25 yrs. ago (ok, giving away my age here..) and my daughter was 4 months old and had to be admitted to Children's Hospital in Columbus, Oh with spinal meningitis. She was so tiny and so sick. We were in there for 12 days. I had my husband go home and get her sheets, all of her favorite toys that she would stare at and watch, I wanted every familiar thing in her hospital bed with her. I would not let them feed her or bathe her. They had fits with me. The even called a social worker to come and tell me that I really needed to go home for a few days and that I needed to rest. GO HOME! That never happened. I was in disbelief of the very sick children that their mothers would kiss them goodnight and leave for the night. I know on the floor we were on very few mothers stayed the night. I could never have imagined leaving my daughters side. I wanted to keep things as normal as I could and on day 10, I had a breakdown and cried when they came in to take more blood. Like you, I had had it. I told them no, not now she was sleeping and they were NOT waking her up.
Oh, I feel your heart tonight. Especially having no idea whatsoever, when the end is even near.
I am just so sorry that you have had to on top of everything, be hurt by their words or actions.
Please let us know what we can do. We all really do want to help you honey. We do.
Just tell us how. We will all come together and do what we can. If we came up with the plane ticket money for your kids to fly out to see you for the weekend, would you let us do that for you? God can make a way, where there seems to be no way.
We love you and your family as if you were our own family because when you love the Lord, we are all one big family and when one hurts we all do.
HUGS from us tonight and praying round the clock for you and your family.
Cheryl
Trish, I am praying for you and know what you are going thru. Our daughter had heart surgery when she was 3,in Dallas at Children's Medical Center. I was scared and felt alone even though my parents were with me. They come in and do things and don't tell you what they are going to do. When we went in it was as though they were doing a tonsilectomy, I was afraid for my little girl and it felt like nobody cared. Mama's are just there for you, like a big snuggly blanket. Peace be with you and Ashley and your family. I wish good luck with the biopsy. Still praying infinity.
I'm sure you feel so very lonely Trish. As I tell my kids all the time, doing the right thing is hardly ever the easiest thing. And, this is the case with you. You are right where you need to be, but because it's a hospital and your baby is suffering, and because you are away from your other babies, you feel discombobulated and lonely. I pray His strength and comfort and, yes, company, for you as you do what you need to be doing. You are such an amazing woman. Whether you know it or not, Jesus is seen in you every day--even your blog has His fingerprints all over it. ((((((hugs)))))) I wish I could blink you out of this lonliness, but for now, I'm ....praying.
PS and BTW, would love to see some pictures of Blake and Allie, so I can remember what they look like when I pray for your family. But ONLY when you get a chance. :)
Of course you should be there!! You are a wonderful mommy, Trish - anyone with eyes in their head and who reads your posts would know that. People say unkind things sometimes out of ignorance. I was never blessed to be able to conceive a child - and I can tell you that some of the things said to me over the years have been incredibly hurtful (one person when she heard I did not have children ... and not knowing my circumstances...blurted out "You should be ashamed of yourself for not wanting kids." Um...it was not a case of not wanting...And another person lectured me about all the things I was doing wrong which was preventing me from getting pregnant...my favorite was: "You should just relax.")
Anyway, know that you are doing all you can and you have support from many, many people out there who continue to pray for you and for Ashley. Your place is with your little girl, no matter WHAT anyone says!
Please never doubt what you are doing. You are a great Mother and Ashley needs you there. She will be get better with your help and just knowing that her Mommy is close by.
I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Erika
i haven't had internet access since last sunday due to a move!! i was having some withdrawel from knowing what was going on with precious ashley....but i'm so glad to be caught up again!!! i'm glad to hear she still has some spunk....and that she has YOU by her side!!! and i'm glad for his mercies that do endure FOREVER!! and i'm glad to God gave ash such a loving family to surround her in this enormously trying time in her precious life so she would not have to endure alone!! you guys are a gift to all of us!! thank you for sharing your hearts and lives with us!! God bless you with rest...and bless Ash with quick healing!! in Christ--
Hey Trish,
Hugs to both of you. Thinking of you several times a day. I just shake my head at anyone who challenges you, your decisions, or even your thinking process. There is nothing crazy about you. They, on the other hand, have a screw loose. Stay strong.
M
Trish, you are where God has called you to be. Do not allow yourself to be judged by what other people do or do not do. We do not know their circumstance and where or why they are going. What we do know is that your place is beside Ashley as her mommy, caretaker, private nurse and complete entertainment package. (regardless of how the hour, I might add)
We are praying for and cheering for you here in NC. Love and hugs!
oh I am so very sorry that you have to endure so much "extra" grief! I would NEVER leave my child alone if she was sick! NO WAY! You are a very very good mommy and you are doing the right thing. You are going through so much. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you Trish.
You are a very strong person and you will get through this. God Bless you and your family!
"You gave abundant showers, O God; you refreshed your weary
inheritance." Psalm 68:9
Continuing to lift you up to the Father who sees all and knows all.
d
Every time I visit to check up on Ashley, I'm amazed by your dedication. 24/7 you are battling by your Ashley's side. You don't leave her. I know you miss your other kids but you are lucky to have such a wonderful husband taking care of them at home. You don't have to worry about that.
She's not alone is this cold unfamiliar world. And you and her are bonding through this. I hope the blood clots were the problem. I hope she can go home soon, back to her bike. :) Back to her room. Back to her loving family.
Happy Monday. Here's praying for a miracle.
Trish, I really encourage you to go to the hospital's ombudsman's office. I cannot stress that enough. They are the ones who uphold the employees behaviour and hold them all accountable. You DO NOT need to be made to feel vulnerable or be crying. My friend who is an advanced practice nurse has story after story of family not being treated properly at hospitals all over. She recently went to visit a friend who was near death's door and she was not receiving the proper meds for pain. She has dealt with this stuff ALOT. She has taken Dr.'s aside, she has left employment because of what some Dr.'s were doing to patients. I don't know who said this to you but alot of times Dr.'s and nurses lack bedside manner in a big way. It is a joy to meet one who is schooled and friendly with normal social behaviour. That is most awful thing someone in healthcare could say to the family of a sick child. This person must be lonely, have an ego problem, and be hateful. If this person knows you they know you are far from home, missing your family, worried about your baby and tired. They should be fired. I will be pray for strength for you to handle this...COlleen
You are incredible. You are a mama bear protecting her cub. You are strong, even at your weakest moment! Be proud. I know deep down you are, but you are so tired. So we are here to remind you... you are doing the most amazing job ever! We are in awe of you, we are proud of you. We strive to be like you. We feel your love for this child and we join you.
YOU are a blessing.
Love and prayers,
Heidi
When my daughter was in the hospital as a baby, nurses and doctors would often tell me to go home and rest.......I used to think that there was no way I could rest at home, knowing my baby was in a strange place, with people she'd never seen, all alone. I feel for you. You are a terrific, devoted, loving mom. Ashley feels safe and loved because you have always been by her side. Hang in there.
Megan
They want you to leave because it will make their job easier!!!!! And...they need to realize that
IT AINT ABOUT THEM!!!!!!
There is no way they are considering what is best for Ash!
Stay, stay, stay!!!!!! Protect your baby from these type attitudes. I wish we could clone you and when they came in the room they would see 10 of you standing around her.
(sorry about the ranting, I am angry)
Maybe I should go pray.....
No one should ever make you feel guilty about doing the job God has called you to do - being a mommy! But there are people out there who just don't understand. I pray today gives you a renewed strength.
-Cari in Arkansas
You disturbing your own baby's sleep? That's a good one. How about numerous strangers coming in to poke and prod and discuss as if she were a product being disturbing! Into HER "home" without knocking! HA!
Every patient needs an advocate. Who feels like representing their best interests when they are feeling sick? And how much more a baby needs an advocate.
Taking care of Ash is their "job". You are her Mom, and that is your life.
Be encouraged. Accept any help you can get. As moms we want to do it ourselves. Let us support you in this. You are loved. And by strangers! That's amazing. You may feel alone, but we know that's not true!!!!
Sandra
Thanks for the honest update. We know how to best pray for you.
I'll share with you that after almost a year of reading your blog...my husband will ask every now and then how baby Ashley is. When the situation is more perilous, I'm checking my computer frequently to see how things are going. The other day I was sharing the post with him and a picture...when he saw Ashley on her hospital bed, with her pink sheets, her pajamas, and her things around her....he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..."That is one good Momma!"
So many times hospital staff are amazed when they do see a parent willing and able to give everything they have. So many are willing...and just financially unable. Many marriages don't make it thru these situations...and single moms and dads can't afford to stay 24/7. It is a testament to the faith you and Dave share that you have made your family stay together thru these times. We know from reading here...it is Jesus. It isn't easy. It is what you were called to do...not something you haphazardly chose.
I wonder where would Ashley be if God hadn't chose you for her mother? What situation would her health be in if she didn't have you 24/7? I don't think she'd be as far along if you weren't there.
Just pondering: I wonder if the hospital staff there (not all, but many) haven't learned to deal with the frustration, and the loss of children at the transplant center by closing themselves off emotionally...Doesn't alleviate the frustration I feel when I read what you have endured...but possibly an answer to where they are coming from?
Will be in prayer for you. Lots of love, faith, and prayers for you and your family!
You are right were I would be if any one of my children were in the hospital. I couldn't imagine a mommy being anywhere else except beside her child's side. You are doing the right thing by Ashley. I know that if Ashley could she would thank you and God for having her mommy and not having to be alone in the hospital room. (((hugs))) to you both! ~Chan~
I have had children in the hospital three times. Each time I was amazed at the number of children left alone. When our youngest son was 6 weeks old he was in the hospital for 10 days. The one year old in the bed next to him was left alone for hours at a time. He used to cry for me to pick him up. He broke my heart, because of course, I was not allowed to touch another persons child. The nurses didn't have time to hold him, so he would just cry. It was awful.
Hold your baby and NEVER let anyone make you feel guilty for staying with her. She needs you and I can guarantee you are not disturbing her.
I cannot believe how stupid and insensitive some people can be.
Hang in there. You are doing a great job!!!!
Okay, that HAD to have been asked by someone who's not a mom, right? I can't imagine not being with my child in his/her own hospital room! Even as an adult, when I had my babies, my husband stayed all night with me for each hospital stay. A hospital room is yucky without someone who loves you in it! (It's still yucky then, but better!)
I think that you need to be given tons of grace--nobody is Christlike at every second on a good day, but especially not in such difficult circumstances. You are doing an amazing job, and I'm so glad to hear that Ashley is patting you--that's got to be a good sign! Take care tonight, and know that our family is praying for you girls!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home