... Doesn't mean He has to or that He will.
More times than I can count I have been asked questions pertaining to my belief in God or my lack of faith in His ability to heal Ashley Kate. I am in no way offended or angry by these questions, but this morning I am going to take the time to explain what I have personally learned in my own walk and in my own faith. This does not mean that anyone else has to agree or believe the way I do, it is simply my explanation of how I feel and believe. I'm going to do my best to explain.
In the beginning of Ashley Kate's life I really thought that God was going to allow her to avoid so much of what has ended up taking place. I believed that He would spare her many, many things. Why I thought that He would just because He could? I have no idea. I mean, she had Dave and I as her parents and we loved God and believed in Him and His ability to heal so didn't that mean that our baby would be? I have learned that is not the case. Healing may or may not be His intentions for our daughter. I don't know what He is going to do and trying to guess or figure it out is impossible.
I will never forget the day that Dave and I were driving down the road toward the hospital and I came to the realization that God owed me nothing and that He didn't have to heal Ash's bowel or spare her liver. He didn't have to allow her to survive and He didn't have to let her live. As I tried to explain to Dave the desperation I felt at that realization I cried hot, burning tears. Its like the tears were releasing an anger from inside of me as I spoke. I yelled, "He doesn't have to heal her just because I believe in Him! He is God and He can do whatever He wants!" It hurt me to know that in that moment. NO matter how deeply I loved my baby or how desperately I wanted to keep her from all of this the only one who could change it all was God and it was only if He choose to. Nothing I did could change His mind. He created her and He would decide what her life would hold. My heart felt pain like it had never before. My faith was shaky. My words were angry. My tears were the evidence of the hurt, the anger, the abandonment, the desperation, the exhaustion, the everything that my heart held. It would be nothing for Him to heal her, a small task for a God so big, but it would be everything to me. Why didn't He do it?
Through the years I have learned that He is God and His plan may not be mine. What He wants for Ashley may be different than what I wanted for her. What He allows for her to experience may be(and has been) completely different than what I wanted for her.
It is my personal belief that He never intended for this world to be full of the sin it is. He never intended for His creation to turn to alcohol rather than Him. He never intended for those He loved to choose a hit or a needle over Him. He never intended for there to be homeless, used, and abused people. He never intended for baby's to struggle to develop in wombs of mommy's who were unaware that a life fought for survival inside of them and who very likely wouldn't have cared if they had known. He never intended for baby girls to be born a full trimester early. This is my personal belief. He didn't intend for it to be this way, but He allowed it. AND OH, HOW THANKFUL MY HEART IS THAT HE DID! He allowed my sweet Ashley Kate to survive despite the sin in this world that surrounded her from her very beginning. He allowed her to beat the odds in that incubator. To survive a deadly disease that stole her bowel. To hang on for months and months without the ability to absorb nutrition and to grow. To breathe in and out everyday and keep on going while her liver slowly but surely deteriorated while organs were being sought. To overcome a transplant of 3 organs, a cardiac arrest, more life threatening infections than I can even keep up with, cancer in her lungs, rejection of those organs, battle after battle, odd after odd, to wake up each and every day with a smile, a twinkle, a joy in her eyes, and a love for her family He allows her to have.
Sin is real. Separation from God because of it is real. Innocent children reaping the devastation of the sowing of the sin of their parents is real. BUT SO IS GOD! and despite it all HE LOVES US and HE LOVES MY ASHLEY whether He chooses complete healing or not. It is His choice not mine and nothing I can do will change His mind or the path that He has in store for her.
Oh, I love my daughter and I hope and pray for healing and restoration of her body, but I also love my God and if He doesn't choose to heal her then His plan for her must be bigger than that. I don't have a lack of belief in His ability to heal, but I have to live everyday with her disabilities and learn to teach her to overcome the obstacles that she faces. That is my job and today the obstacle is the ability to draw blood from her veins. It hurts. No matter how many times it has been done. No matter how many children in this world have to have it done also. No matter how "normal" it is to her nurses to do it. No matter how many times I am told "its no big deal all the transplant kids have to have it done." Knowing that those needles hurt my baby hurts my heart so my prayer is that God would give her the ability to be so tough she doesn't even feel it when it happens. That is my prayer for my baby. The reality of her life is that her organs don't belong to her, they weren't created for her tiny body but for another's
and since they reside inside of her she will always have to have her blood drawn to monitor them. Thats
not a lack of faith in her healing its just what our normal is.
Just because He can do something doesn't mean He will, and just because He didn't choose to heal her bowel, save her liver, or keep her from requiring this transplant doesn't mean that we didn't believe He could. He just did things differently than what I thought He would in the beginning. He's God and He can do that. I'm just her mommy, He's her God and if I'm going to trust Him with my eternity then I think I'll have to trust Him with my baby too.
I hope this makes a little bit of sense to you. I'm not upset by the questions, just wanted to let you know that I do believe that He has the ability to heal her, but I also believe He doesn't have to heal her just because I believe. His plan for her could be even bigger than that. You never know.