So much of her life it has been just that, Ashley and I. For months on end that's the way it was. Many, many nights I longed to be home with Dave, Blake, and Allison, but our time spent together was nothing short of amazing. During those long days and nights away from our home here in Texas I would sit and hold my bundle of baby girl and just stare at her face. I spent hours memorizing every detail of her. I made it my job to know her. Every part of her. So many of my precious friends were forced to say good bye to their babies and something inside of me broke as I realized they would never again have the opportunity to gaze into those tiny faces. If the day ever came where their reality became mine I knew that I wanted to be able to close my eyes and truly see her face for ever. So I studied. As I study every inch of her I would pray. I would thank the Father for the way He had made her. Her eyes, those long lashes, round, puffy cheeks, tiny pink lips, that little point on her chin, the tiniest ears you have ever seen. Put all of that together and it makes for a beautiful little girl. One of the prettiest I have ever seen. I loved those moments with her.

Since returning home life has been crazy. There haven't been too many hours for Ash and I to spend alone. Just her and I. I'm not complaining. I love having the family with us. I'm just saying that I have been missing those quiet hours that I so often spent staring at her face and praying over her life. Tonight I had the opportunity to have a few. Blake and Al were at the house with Dave working and Ash and I were here at grandmas. She and I retreated to the guest room and we laid on the bed to play and talk. How wonderful it was to stare into her face. To ask her what she was thinking about and to imagine her answering me. She didn't have too much to say. Just the occasional squeak as she chewed on her fingers, but it was nice to just memorize more and more of her. She made me laugh. She would close her eyes and pretend to be asleep then pop open her eyes and giggle when she caught me looking at her. We sang songs, played patty cake, watched a movie that made us laugh together, and just enjoyed hanging out. When I reached across her to grab my drink she would reach up and push my arm out of her way. "Excuse me," I would say and then laugh at her because she did not want my arm obstructing her view of Blues Clues. Shes a funny little pickle. Everything about her makes me smile. This morning I had the privilege of watching her big brother and sister sit on the floor and play with her. All three were giggling together just the way I had imagined they would once we made it back home. They were just enjoying her and my heart was more than blessed to look on.

She is now sleeping and I once again have a moment or two to gaze at her and pray over her life, her body, her organs, her struggles, her fragile health, and her purpose. How did I ever fall into this wonderful life I am living? I have no idea, but I am so grateful for it all. The good and the bad. I believe its the making it through the bad together that helps to sweeten the joy we find in all of the good. Ashley and I are home again. Ashley and I are surrounded by our family. Ashley and I are happy. Ashley and I are blessed. Ashley and I are tougher because of what we have been through. Ashley and I are sleepy. Ashley and I are ready to call it a night. Good night and God Bless you. Trish

Today has been filled with some really fun things for me. As I have run around town I have found myself involved with a few run ins. None of them involved the police, and they didn't involve my car but they all involved friends. New and old friends. Some I have known for years like the one I saw in the pharmacy early this morning, another I hadn't seen in years like the one I ran into in Lowes, and some I had never met face to face until today but because of Ashley's story we were already friends. How blessed I felt knowing I could see familiar, friendly faces no matter where I ran into. Just being home and in a position to see my friends again is one of the best feeling in the world. It just made my day to visit with them all.

I sit here now rocking and typing and rocking and typing. My sweet little Ash is not feeling too well today. She woke up smiling and vomiting and then her smiles turned into fussing. Nan took care of her for a while so I could run some errands and pick up supplies for the remodel, but she eventually had to call me because Ash was just so miserable. She has no fever so I am pretty confident it is all related to her chemo treatment, but you just never know. So when I get a call I stop whatever I am in the middle of and come as quickly as I can. After making an assessment and not seeing any obvious signs I begin to breathe again and settle in for a rough ride. Nothing I do seems to help so I just keep walking and rocking and talking. One of the greatest things about this process is that my arms are actually getting tired. Not tired of holding her, but tired FROM holding her. She is so big! 22lbs!

As far as the remodel goes it seems we take one step forward and two or three or four steps back. That is just the way it goes with older houses. Unfortunately we happen to love our old house and we would really like to continue raising our family in it. Dave and Gene are ready to throw me and my book out of the house. I bought a book with several pictures of bathrooms that I like. They ask me how I would like something done and I answer, "Just look in the book." The problem is that my bathrooms aren't the same size as the ones in my book and I also want them to mix and match different features from different pictures that I have picked out. All I know is that I can see how I would like it to be and I hope that they can come as close to my book as possible. My book has become the running joke in our house. I just keep trying to remind myself that this too shall pass and once it has it will all look so nice, but when you are tired it is hard to stay positive. Dave has decided to take the evening off tomorrow after my brother in law leaves and spend some time with the family. Perhaps we will walk down to the pond to do a little fishing. That would be so nice. Last night as I sat and listened to the guys snoring I realized that Dave and I had not slept in the same house in over 8 days. How sad that mad me. Even though I have moved home we still don't get to see each other. I am looking forward to tomorrow and the time we plan on spending together as a family. This remodel sure has interfered with our normal life. Good thing it is only a temporary situation.

Oh'well I ordered dinner for the guys and it is probably about time to feed them so they will be willing to keep on working. Ash has finally drifted off to sleep so I am going to sneak back into town and keep on opening my book just in case they forgot what they are supposed to be working on. Thanks so much for your prayers for our Ashley. We are keeping a close eye on her labs and her vomiting. I pray we don't have to make another mid night run into the ER for fluids. I'll get back to you all later. Take care and God Bless. Trish

It is now 2:20 in the morning and the house is finally quiet and all are settled(again). Dave, my brother in law Gene, and myself tried to quietly sneak into the house around 1:45, but much to every ones "alarm" we managed to set the house alarm off not once, not twice, but three times. Honestly, nothing seems to be easy for us right now but you just have to laugh at the craziness of our lives. All I could do was crack up with each sound of the alarm because I just knew that not only had we managed to wake the baby, the grandparents, and the children but as soon as the cops showed up with their flashing lights that the whole block would be awake. Fortunately for our neighbors we managed to avoid the police and their flashing lights and they should still be sleeping as I type. Anyway, so much for quietly sneaking into the house to take showers.

After a long day of working on the remodel the last thing the guys needed was to be locked into the shop trying to get out so they could come into the house to shower. I finally figured out that they needed me to come out with a key because each time they tried to turn the door knob the alarm would sound. The look on their faces told me that they were not finding as much humor in our situation as I was so I tried to contain my laughter, but by now I have learned that it is just good therapy for me to laugh and to laugh hard at all the things that are happening in our lives. I would rather laugh than cry. So the children, the grandparents, and the guys are now snoring and I am wide awake just appreciating all these amazing people I am surrounded by tonight.

The remodel is slow going, but by Sunday morning we should have at least one functioning bathroom. It won't be painted, it won't have a floor laid, and it won't be decorated, but it will have a tub, shower, toilet, and sink that all work. I am going to be thankful for that. By Wednesday of next week we should have water in the kitchen and our washing machine should be going again. I will be able to clean the kitchen and do laundry and that will be something I am thankful for as well. Our bathroom is still very, very far from being functional, but Dave spent the day plumbing the tub area. It has no sub floor yet so you actually stand on the dirt under the house when entering it. There is still no sheet rock up, but I think that will be done tomorrow. Once all of the functional things are in place like walls, tubs, shower, sinks, toilets, floors, etc. then I will have to figure out how and when to find the time to get the rooms painted and decorated. Tomorrow I hope to locate an old piece of furniture that I can have transformed into the vanity I have in mind. If I can't find something local then I may venture over to Canton to see if they have anything I can use.

Ash looked very good today. Last night was a tough night for her as she received her chemo infusion into the early morning hours. She cried and ached for several hours, but at least I had a bed and a rocking chair in a private room to take care of her in. Yeah for her! she has now finished the first 2 cycles of her treatment and she only has 12 more weeks to go. I am so excited that she is finished with what I feel is the most dangerous of the three drugs. I pray that her cancer will be gone and she will be in remission at the end of these next 12 weeks so we don't have to start it again. They will scan her lungs at the end of the next 4 cycles to see if her tumors are gone. If they are not then we will go through another 18 weeks of treatment. Yesterday we saw her team of GI doctors who will be taking care of her in Dallas. They would like to do a biopsy of her new bowel next Thursday so they can have their own set of slides. They said they need to see what the cells look like while it is good so that they have something to compare to in case of rejection. It makes sense to me what they say, but I am so nervous about having someone other than her transplant team go into her new organs. I know that I have to trust them because we do not live in Nebraska, but it is going to take a lot of prayer on my part as I prepare to allow them to scope her next week. They also mentioned the possibility of a liver biopsy. I am absolutely not prepared to go there. Ashley's liver enzymes have been climbing over the last week and a half. We have had four sets of labs done and on each lab they are increasing higher and higher. If they continue to climb then the team in Dallas would like to do the biopsy. Her doctor told me that there are 3 possible reasons for their incline. Rejection. Infection. Blockage of a duct. None of them sound appealing to me, so I am just praying that this is nothing and that her numbers will just go back into range. On the upside of things Ash looks so strong. She is now sitting up and playing on her own for longer and longer periods of time. She has also begun eating small bites of baby food. Green beans and turkey were on her dinner menu tonight. She is so happy to have food in her little mouth. She drinks sterile water from a big girl cup. No tippy cup for her. She is not having any of that. She wants a drink from a regular cup. I almost cry each time I see her take a bite. There was a time not too long ago when I thought she may never be able to eat again. To see her progressing in this area is such a blessing. I am so proud of her. I just can't believe how far she has come over the last 6 months.

Now that I see the clock approaching 3:00a.m. I am realizing that none of you are even awake to read this post and so I should probably quit my rambling and just go lay down for a "nap". Sorry for the randomness of my writings tonight. I don't believe I have slept enough this week to be making any sense at all. I just wanted to say goodnight to you all and to tell you all how much I appreciate your prayers for our baby and for our family. I pray you and yours are all tucked in and sleeping soundly. I am thankful for you. Good night and God bless. Trish

We are home! Yeah us! Ash and I survived a very long, unplanned, over night trip to Children's in Dallas and I am so happy to be back. We woke early this morning feeling like weeds rather than roses, but on our drive home I realized that even weeds bloom with their own sense of beauty. How happy my sleepy, grumpy self became as I enjoyed mile after mile of gorgeous wildflowers growing along the highway. I'm sure some of them had been purposely planted there for travelers to enjoy(like the bluebonnets), but it became obvious to me that many of them had been "planted" there by the wind, an insect, or a bird. Perhaps "they" never planned on growing along side a highway in east Texas, but there they were doing a beautiful job of blooming just exactly where He had allowed them to be planted. Oh, the wisdom I found in them this morning. I allowed those flowers to teach me a lesson during my drive and I reflected on how wonderfully our lives have been blessed by those who are doing just exactly what those wildflowers were doing. Blooming where they had been planted. My mind began to think of our surgeons, our coordinators, our doctors, our nurses, our therapists, our transplant friends, and many, many others who were doing just exactly what they were called to do. I have no idea if our transplant surgeon dreamed of taking organs in and out of babies when she was a child, but how grateful I am to her that she has allowed herself to bloom where she was planted. Without her willingness to study year after year after year where would my Ashley Kate be today? God had a plan, a purpose, a call on her life and because she is "blooming", He has used her to impact the life of a little girl from east Texas and all those who know her. I am so thankful to all those whose paths God has allowed to cross ours. Each blooming with the talents and skills He provided them with.

When I arrived home from Nebraska I found a surprise growing in my front flower gardens. Actually two surprises by the names of "Jedidiah" and "Goliath". Jedidiah and Goliath are destined to be my Allie's two prized winning cabbages. Thats what I said, cabbages. She has a plan in mind for them. She is attempting to win a thousand dollar scholarship with her two little ones. Actually they need to be big ones. They need to be the largest two cabbages in the state of Texas grown by a third grader. Now, I agree this is a prize worth attaining, and I fully support my Allie's love for anything she can plant in the dirt and love and nurture into something beautiful, but I would not have chosen them to be planted front and center in my flower garden. Perhaps a nice vegetable garden at Graypa's house would have been a more appropriate home, but nonetheless Jedediah and Goliath have no idea they have been planted in a flower garden. They are doing what they have been called to do. They are blooming proudly where they have been planted. She loves them and takes care of them and they continue to grow. Just like Al's cabbages I had no idea my sweet Ashley Kate would be planted in the middle of transplant life, but I am so proud of the way she has decided to bloom. She continues to "bloom" time and time again no matter what circumstances she finds herself in. God has allowed her to be planted on this path and she is beautiful! Just as Ash has been "planted" along this journey I too have been "planted" in a place I never imagined myself to be in. I never knew I could do all that He is teaching me to do. I never dreamed I would be allowed to love such a brave little pickle.

I am so thankful for the drive time I had with my Ashley this morning. I learned that I have been planted just exactly where He wants me to be and even on the days that I wake up feeling like a dandelion rather than a bluebonnet as long as I am willing to open myself up to bloom then I am doing what He called me to do. My goal today is to bloom where I have been planted(just as soon as I take a shower and brush my teeth!). Thanks guys for checking on her. She is doing well today. A little run down and tired, but happy and ready to bloom. Trish

When Ash and Trish were in Omaha I often pictured what it would be like when they got home. I pictured us sitting around in our living room watching Blake and Allie playing on the floor. I pictured a relaxing enjoyable time. This is not the case. We have not yet had a time together. She has been home almost 2 weeks now and I don't think I have seen her or held her more than a half dozen times. Don't get me wring, I am so extremely very thankful they are back in TX, but I am really looking forward to a time when the house is put back in a livable condition and we can all be together. But for now I will spend my days working and my evenings trying to build some bathrooms.

Trish to Ash to Dallas today for some appointments and things got crazy before they ever started. The cancer people called me to tell me they had cancelled her appointment to try to make things easier on us. Problem was they didn't call to make our lives easier until after Trish and Ash were already half way to Dallas. They told us they didn't have any rooms available for Ash so just plan on coming for the day and leaving late tonight. Once Trish and Ash got over there they were not ready to give the treatment and yawdy dawdy doo one thing and another and now they want them to spin the night. Problem is Trish did not pack Ashley or herself for an overnight trip. Trish has not yet eaten today and she is beginning to hungry and grumpy. Have you ever been hungry and grumpy, it is not a good place to be.

On the upside of things. My brother-in-law is here and we are making forward progress on the bathrooms and since Ash has come home she seems to be progressing and looking better than she has in a very long time.

I must go build something now so I will talk again later.

DAVE

Bedtime, it has to be one of my favorite times of the day. Spending those precious moments with each of my children, kissing their foreheads, and loving on them just does my heart good. At the end of a tough day nothing can heal my hurts like having their arms wrapped around me as I tell them how much I love them. When nothing seems to be going right, I always know that when they are tucked in safe and sound it will all be alright. I dreamed of tucking them in, holding them, talking to them, and watching them sleep for so long that it now seems like I am living a dream. I am not sure if I can tell you how good it feels to know that we are all under the same roof again. I know its not our roof, and its not our rooms, but we are together and I know that they are safe.

I usually start by telling Blake goodnight. He is sleeping on the living room floor. I love to go back and forth with him about who is going to be rubbing whos feet that night. He always says, "I'll do yours if you do mine first." I'm way to smart for that. He is always asleep by the time I finish foot number one. I tell him how much he is loved. I tell him I am proud of him. I let him know that I am thankful to be his mom, and I kiss that precious forehead before moving on to his sisters. As I walked away from him tonight the thought of him growing up and not being there for me to tuck in some day slipped into my mind. Our time is so precious and it goes so fast.

Next I move on to my beautiful Allison. She sleeps in the guest bed with me most nights(Dave sleeps at our house sometimes, and lately he has been out of town a lot). The first words out of my mouth to her are,"You know that your my best friend,don't you?" She responds,"and your mine too." I pray she always feels this way. She is growing up so fast. She gets taller and thinner everyday and with her new haircut it seems that all the little girl in her is fading away. I tell her how much she is loved, how proud I am to be her mom, and then I move in to kiss that forehead. She always reaches up for one more hug before allowing me to slip into the other room. I love that last hug each night. I move on to our Ashley with a smile in my heart left by her big sister.

Our sweet Ashley Kate is sleeping in the sun room. Her nan is helping take care of her during the night. What a blessing it has been to have her helping me! My Ashley takes a little more tucking in than the other two. First we draw her round of meds and give them. Then we check her feeds and make or fill formula bags for the night. After changing, emptying, and dressing in a set of soft, pink, p.j.s we are ready to cuddle. The things I say to this little one so often bring on my tears. I always tell her how proud I am of who she is. I tell her how brave and strong she is. I tell her how blessed I am to be her mommy. I tell her to be tough and to keep fighting. I tell her she is beautiful and she is my gift from God. Sometimes she nods at me as if to answer that she understands all I am telling her. Sometimes she just smiles up at me. Sometimes she closes her eyes and begins to drift off to sleep. That tiny forehead receives a hundred tiny kisses. I am allowed to linger longer on her head and I love to just smell her sweetness. This little one touches a part of my heart that had been reserved for her for so very long. As I lay her down I often whisper thank you over and over again. I am thanking her for fighting so hard to stay and I am thanking the Father for allowing her to stay. If I am given a thousand nights with her, ten thousand nights with her, or a hundred thousand nights with her I will never cease to say those two words. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Ashley. Thank you, to her birth mom. Thank you, to my precious friend who made the call. Thank you, to our donor family. Thank you, to the Father.

Tomorrow we will be at her appointments in Dallas. Ash and I will be traveling alone. I hope she sleeps on the drive. I am planning on being back in Longview by the early evening hours. I will talk to you all once we make it home. Thank you for praying for our baby today. I appreciate each of you who continue to love on her. Goodnight and Sleep tight. Trish

As I lay down next to my Ashley at 3:00 this morning I prayed that she might be allowed to just rest. To sleep so deeply that she not be nauseated and not wake up to vomit. I prayed and prayed for protection over her new organs and her little self as her body struggled to battle whatever had invaded. When I woke at 6:30 this morning I realized that she had not budged in over 3 hours. What a blessing! That had been the longest stretch without an episode of vomiting all day. I was so happy to see that she was resting. As I sent the kids off to school this morning I had hoped to lay back down next to her and catch a little "nap" before beginning the day, but she woke with a fury. She was so grumpy! Allie looked at me and said, "So much for going back to sleep."

To my surprise her grumpy attitude did not last too long. She was so tired she "grumped" her little self back to sleep. She has spent most of the day sleeping and as long as she is sleeping she is not nauseated. What an answer to prayer. I could see that she needed to sleep so badly and I am so thankful that she has been able to rest.

Tomorrow we will be in Dallas to see our team of doctors that took care of Ash pre-transplant. They will be managing her care here "locally". We were scheduled to be admitted to the oncology floor tomorrow afternoon for a 12 hour infusion, but they have called to tell us that they do not have an available bed for Ash. She has been bumped and we are now waiting for a call over the weekend once they have space for her. Last time we had chemo done in the treatment center and it was very difficult to manage Ashley's ostomy care in such a public room. There are little cubicles with recliners in them and the room is full of children receiving their infusions. We were excited about having a private room to take care of Ash with a crib in it during her 12 hour therapy. I am just praying that it will all work out. I just don't think we need to take Ash into the treatment center with this virus. We will be staying in Dallas for the weekend waiting for an available room for her treatment.

I appreciate your prayers for our little one today. I know that God is listening to them. She has not spiked a fever, she has not begun "stooling" out, and she is resting peacefully as her little body works on recovering. How wonderful it would be if her cultures came back showing nothing. Perhaps she could just have caught a little 24-48 hour bug? What a blessing that would be. Thanks for loving her today. Thanks for checking on her today. Thanks for caring so much. Take care. Trish

We have just returned home from a very long evening spent in the ER with our sweet Ashley. I am afraid she has caught some type of a virus during this last drop in her white count. She continued vomitting all day long and I became nervous about dehydration. I called and spoke with our team in Dallas and they could not assure me a quick and safe place for my Ashley to wait so I decided to go local. We were met with a wonderful staff and a very attentive ER doctor who took all of my information and concerns very seriously. Within minutes our labs were sent and fluids were running to replace some of the losses due to the constant vomitting. Ashley's monocytes and lymphocytes are elevated and in connection with the vomitting it all points to a viral something. What it is we do not know and probably won't be able to find out. The important thing is that we stay on top of her fluid issue. If we fall behind then we must fight an uphill battle and I have seen far too many transplant kids struggle like none other because of this. We are scheduled for an oncology admit on Thursday at Children's in Dallas to receive Ash's chemo and monthly cytogam infusion. We will also see her GI team that morning so my prayer is that Ash's vomitting will slow and that her stool will not pick up. I would like to make it to Dallas on our own rather than going by ambulance. Everyone seems comfortable with her status at this point, but we all understand that we could be back in the ER at any point tonight, tomorrow, or tomorrow night. Ash is so exhausted. She has been awake since 6:00a.m. yesterday and has not fallen asleep until a few minutes ago. I pray that she is so tired she will not be able to vomit and that we will be able to keep her fluids in her through the rest of the night.

Nothing can be taken lightly when caring for a transplant patient. Fluid issues are one of the hardest battles we face. When they get down with something even if it is small they can not fight it off like the rest of us. When you add chemotherapy on top of immunosuppression it just gets tougher and tougher to fight off sickness. I have no idea how she caught a virus. We are so careful with her. She goes nowhere. We all were masks around her. We shower and change clothes when coming into the house from being out in public. We scrub our hands until they are sore. The kids are so obedient when it comes to taking precautions for Ashley. I love to watch how much they love her by seeing how they know to shower,change, mask, and scrub without being reminded before coming close to her.

I know how dangerous and serious this can be, but I have had a calm and peace inside and all around me today and tonight. I am learning that this is our life and that if we need to visit our hospital daily to take care of our Ashley then that is what we will do. It is just our normal for now and I am really ok with it. I am amazed at how Blake and Allison handle it all. They just tell her good bye and begin to pray. Allie shared with me some of the things she prayed about while I took Ash in yesterday and it blessed me so very much to learn of how strong her faith is. Our family is growing through Ash's struggles like never before and for this part of our journey I am so thankful.

The next few days will more than likely be a little tough on us all, but I know that nothing is out of His hands. If you would remember to pray for our little gherkin and her virus in the up coming days I would be more than grateful. I am praying for a quick turn around that allows us all to remain together as opposed to sending Ash and I away to Dallas or Omaha for an extended visit. I am going to go lay down next to her so I can listen for signs of a "gusher" and be close enough to stay on top of it. Thanks so much for checking in on her. I will get back with you later on today. God Bless. Trish

and today it fell into Ashley's. What a rough day my little one is having. She is so very nauseated and is vomiting with every movement. My heart aches for her because she feels so weak. Her white count has been depleted and she just feels so crummy. I spoke with our pastor this morning and he tried to describe to me how bad it feels to have no white count and to be going through chemo. I wish I could understand it better, but I have no experience with it firsthand. All I know is that my sweet girl is sick today.

In between the vomiting I saw her pause and look up at the ceiling. It had begun to rain outside and she could hear the rain hitting the skylights above her. She was frozen as she listened to this sound. While watching her I got an idea. Ash has never seen it rain. She has never felt it rain. I decided that today would be the day. I grabbed her backpack and swooped her up in my arms. I placed a mask on her face and grabbed an umbrella and we went outside to experience the storm together. As I watched her eyes light up I tried to imagine what it must feel like to see, hear, feel, and smell a spring rain for the first time. She was enthralled. The breeze was blowing the rain drops up under our umbrella and it was hitting our skin. The smell in the air was so clean. The sound was magnificent as the raindrops hit the top of our umbrella. She was so happy taking it all in. We watched some squirrels running about, and then our eyes fell upon a cardinal playing and bathing in a puddle. How wonderful I thought. I decided it had been way too many years since I had splashed in a puddle so I rolled up my jeans and kicked off my flip flops and away we went. Since Ash couldn't splash for herself I splashed for us both. It was so much fun. I know it sounds so silly, but it was a moment, a memory, that I will cherish forever.

We went in for a little while and then ventured back outside once the storm had ended. This time Ash was laying in her stroller and we went for a walk. After a while I began to hear her coo and make the sweetest noises. I wondered what she was talking about. What could she see that I was missing? I decided to look at the world from her view point. As I laid down on my back I too wanted to begin cooing. The world was so beautiful! All Ash could see was a canopy of trees with their branches blowing in the breeze, a blue sky filled with puffy, white clouds and a few birds flying above. What a wonderful way to see the world. It was so relaxing to lay there and talk to her. I could feel all my stress and all of my worry fading as I became thankful for the moment I was living. Just me and Ash. Outside in the country. Doing nothing important. Just enjoying what God gave us to enjoy everyday.

Today the rain that fell into our lives was nothing short of a blessing. One of the biggest I have had in a few days. I am so grateful to be her mom and to be the one experiencing life along with her. Without her I would have missed out on so much today. It truly is a blessed life I am living.

There are things that I hide deep inside of my heart concerning my sweet Ashley Kate that I speak of to no one else. Not even Dave. I have tried to share with him some of these things, but he does reside in the land of daisies and rainbows and his mind does not allow him to go there. In a way I wish that I could live in this land along with him and that my mind would not allow me to see the things that I see while taking care of my beautiful baby. Tonight as I tuck her to bed these things scream at me as I watch her struggle. There are days when things are worse than others and today just seems to be one of those days.

After my Ashley was born and we were told of the many possible struggles she may have to face in her lifetime I found myself seeking God more than I ever had before. I prayed earnestly that His will be done and accomplished in my little one's life and as the medical community continued to "hit" us with the possible diagnosis' she could be labeled with my prayer became this," Allow her to give and receive love. Let her be happy." That was it. Nothing more. In our own naive way I believe there was a time in her life that we thought she would be fine. All she required was for us to love her. To tell the truth, she is fine. She is happy and she is loved, but as her mommy I am very aware of more and more disabilities and differences that my Ashley has and others do not.

Tonight I go to bed with a heavy heart. A heavy heart that is so full of thanksgiving for her life and her victories,but also burdened with the knowledge that I must continue to seek and find answers that give my sweet baby the best possible life she can have. As I prepare to climb into bed next to my Allie who lives a life filled with health and I snuggle up next to the daughter who can walk, run, jump, climb,speak, sing, communicate, and anything else her little heart desires my heart breaks and my tears fall for my other daughter, my youngest daughter, my sweet Ashley Kate who may never do any of these things. How I wish for her to have the same opportunities that I had always taken for granted in my other children's lives.

It is now my job to not only help her survive, but to live the most fulfilling life possible. I believe in the deepest part of my heart that He has a plan for her, I just have to help her seek it and find it so that she may fulfill not my dreams for her life but His. Deep in my heart I know what I know I am just to afraid to put it out there for the world to see, to label, to judge. They will find out all to soon and so for now I keep these things hidden inside and pray that if it be His will that they might pass over her rather than come to pass in her. Regardless of the outcome she is my daughter, the one I longed for, the one I prayed for, and the one I would give my life for so that she might keep hers. Nothing else matters except for this one thing, she resides deep in my heart and it is there that she will always be.

Several people have requested a Texas address to send things to Ash so after trying to figure out which one to give you I have come up with this one:

Ashley Adams
101 B Woodbine Place
Longview, TX 75601



Thank you so much for all the cards, letters, and gifts you have sent. You are so generous to our little gherkin and we appreciate your thoughtfullness.

My life since the birth of Ashley has never been boring! Everyday has been blessed. It all seems to be connected because of baseball. I know, I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone other than me, but I have seen God work in mine and Ashley's life because I went and sat at the ball field to watch my son play. Amazing is all I can say!

The resolution of today's events once again have been connected to that wonderful game that has captured my son's passion and our hearts.

Let me just explain a small piece of the story. Years ago I met a good friend while our sons played baseball together. 3 years after that friendship developed I met another friend as a result of her son playing baseball with my first friends son who no longer played with my son but the new friends son now did. Are you lost yet? Its ok if you are because it only gets better from here. To date neither of my friends sons still play on my son's ball team,but our friedships remain and it is because of these friendships and there connection that I have a beautiful baby girl named Ashley Kate. Enough said. Last spring on the baseball field we met 2 new sets of friends. The meeting of these people would bless us and our Ashley's life time and time again. Both of our new friends from last spring work at a local hospital here in town where our sweet Ashley Kate was rushed to this very afternoon. God has once again used one of these friends that He gave to us through the baseball team to lend a helping hand in Ashley's care and protection. So to make a long story short Ash is ok, her life keeps me on my toes, I am never bored while raising my youngest daughter, we are blessed, blessed, blessed by good friends and their willingness to love our baby, and Baseball? Well, you all know how much this family including our Ashley Kate love an afternoon at the ball park watching our favorite catcher play a game or two or three but hopefully four that ends in a championship.

Ash is now fine. Catastrophy avoided. I sit back in amazement at how through the years God has been working to prepare not only my family but the many others who have played and still play a part in our Ashley's story. To think that Blake would play such a large part in building our family is just a fun piece of trivia. I am glad my life is not boring. I am thankful to know how blessed it is. Baseball, just a tool the Father used to help write her story.

I am praying the evening slows down a bit around here and that me and my girls can work on the puzzle together. Thanks guys for checking in on us. We love hearing from you, and we appreciate the time you spend in prayer for our baby gherkin. Take care. Trish

The day is almost here. Blake has been looking forward to tomorrow since he first found out he would be going to Christian Heritage School last summer. Tomorrow at 5:30am we (Dad and Blake and the rest of the 5th grade class at CHS) will be loading on a bus for the ride down to NASA. He is so excited. It makes me excited to see him and how happy he is. I don't look forward to waking up at 5 am but I do look forward to spending the next two days with my son. Trish just came in and informed me that she packed some "outfits" for me. What is she thinking. All the hard work she did at our house this weekend must have left her a little dehydrated because I am a man and I don't wear "outfits." Tonight when I got home from my seminar in Dallas I went to work ripping out the shower in our master bathroom. I am afraid that things went from bad to worse. I thought we had a minor problem in there but as it turned out the floor and sub floor was completely rotten. I think our move in time back to our house just got pushed back some more. I am still praying that we can find a contractor who would be willing to come in and help us get things back in order. I am not sure just when it happened, but I think my life is completely out of control.

After a long day of hotels, seminars, driving and tearing apart my house I finally got "home" to my parents house and got to see Ash around 9:30pm. She is looking so great to me. I am so proud of who she is and how strong she is. I took a few moments to lay down on my back with her laying on her belly on my chest. I just listened to her grunt and coo and was able to reflect on the incredible drive and determination to live that God has placed in that little soul. I can't begin to imagine how He plans to use her as she grows older. Thank you to each and every one of you who takes your time to check on Ashley and who faithfully prays for her. Please pray for our house and living situation as I think we are getting deeper and deeper at our house and still don't have enough help to get it done anytime soon.

God bless each of you,

DAVE

This morning as I fixed Al's hair, ironed Blake's clothes, and changed Ash's diaper I suddenly realized that I was surrounded. Not by soldiers, the enemy, or an attack, but by the very things that bring me the most joy in my life. I am surrounded by:

My eleven year old's arms when he walks by and gives me a hug.

My nine year old's smile as she looks at me sitting across from her at the hair salon.

My sweet Ashley Kate's gaze as I tiptoe into the room to find that she has been awake and waiting on me to arrive.

My husband's fingers as he grabs hold of my hand to sleep.

My community of friend's who have welcomed us home.

My prayer warriors thanksgivings that have gone up to the throne of grace.

My beloved pine trees that line the streets of our home town.

My favorite flowers that have now opened up along the roadways to welcome the spring.

My everyday responsibilities that make up my life that I have had to let go of over the last six months. They are back and I am enjoying them all! Things like picking up toys, folding laundry, signing homework, studying spelling lists, running errands, and the like.

My blessings.

My Father's love.


I am so grateful to have found myself surrounded this morning. The house is quiet as Ashley naps and the family has gone off to church. I am now sitting here enjoying the realization that He has allowed me to become surrounded with all that He has for me and I welcome the feeling of knowing that there is no way out. What an amazing, incredible, wonderful life I have been given. Thank you Father for surrounding me !

...until we move back into our little yellow house? Oh, I wish. No. It won't be long until we have worn out our welcome. I am afraid that after living with my in-laws for one full week that we are beginning to see signs of the strain it is putting on them. Don't misunderstand me. I have wonderful in-laws, but they haven't had kids in their home in 15 years and I don't think this is what they had in mind during these years.

I have really great kids, but the problem with them is that they are kids. Kids make messes, make too many drinks that they don't finish, leave toys and things strewn about, don't behave like adults, aren't as responsible as adults, and they leave their towels on the floor in the bathroom. Now at my house these things don't bother me. I learned long ago that I would rather spend my time enjoying my years with these wonderful little people while they are little as opposed to keeping my house spotless all the time. So what if a towel lays on the floor for an hour or so. Is it really going to cause the world to end? Not my world, but when you are living in someone else's home it just might. I am a nervous wreck trying to keep everything we have out of the way and picked up as much as possible, but the truth is there is just no space for our things. Nothing has been said to us about the inconvenience our little family is causing, but I'm not blind. When your not used to having kids around your just not used to having kids around.

Anyway, I am more than thankful that my precious in-laws have allowed us to stay in their home while ours is in pieces. They are going to great lengths to make us feel welcome, but its just not the same. I need to take my kids to my house and allow them to see them occasionally when they choose to as opposed to having them under foot 24/7.

One of the best things about us staying here with them is that they get some great bonding time with Ash. She is loving the many laps to choose from when she feels like being rocked. She is getting to know them more and more each day and that is a blessing for all involved. I am thankful for the purpose this time is serving in our lives. I continue to learn lessons on a daily basis, and I suppose as long as I am willing to learn and grow He will continue to provide the opportunity to make me into what He would like for me to be.

Well I can hear my Ashley Kate becoming rowdy in the next room and I need to go and quiet her before she wakes up her grandparents. Just another thing we could add to our list of inconveniencing them. Thanks for checking on the gherkin tonight. I continue to thank God for those of you who continue to stick it out with us. My prayer is that someday I will be able to title a post with the word REMISSION in the title so that we can all rejoice together. You mean so very much to us. Good night and may God bless you and your families. Trish

I am assuming that at some point in Ashley's life I will reach the point in her recovery that peace will overcome the panic. Am I just being naive? I desperately pray that life will just take on a normalcy where I can wake up each morning and just live without my heart racing to the point of making me feel as though I am going to pass out. As you have already figured out, I am not yet to that point.

Today I took my Allison out for a few hours of just "girl" time. We had a set of Gym Bucks calling our name that had to spent by tomorrow and our Ashley has outgrown the majority of her clothing. P.J.s we have plenty, but now that she is out of the hospital the little one requires "real" clothes for the "real" world. I mean her world which basically consists of sitting in Grandma's house and going to doctors appointments with the occasional walk outside in the spring air. So off to Tyler Al and I journeyed leaving Ash in the exceptional care of 2 of her grandmothers. Allison had a list of things she needed as well. Like flip flops in every color, sand art, and band aids. She also got a new haircut(which looks amazing!). Anyway, we were sitting in Tyler enjoying a little lunch and decided to call to check on our Ashley for the 5th or 6 th time. After talking to Blake he told me that grandma would like to speak with me. O.k. nothing out of the ordinary, until she shared with me that Ashley was making a funny sound as she slept. Uh,oh. My Ashley is SO predictable. Whenever she makes this "grunting" sound in her sleep, we know something is coming on. It usually begins about 24 hours prior to her becoming very, very, sick. Grandma had actually been visiting in Omaha on one occasion when this was the case, so she knew she needed to let me know that Ash was making this sound. Now comes the panic. I could feel my heart racing and my head swirling with a thousand different thoughts all at the same time. I knew I would like to get back to grandmas as fast as I could, but I did not need to put Allie into a panic along with me. How was I going to pull of the fastest return trip in the history of the world without placing my Allison in danger or placing concern in her heart?

As I traveled the back roads from Tyler to home I prayed and prayed and prayed. Please God let this be nothing. Please get us back quickly so I could make a decision. Please, please, please. Between my prayers I was busy singing parts of Disney songs that Allison had lined up to be mine and trying to not let her know how concerned I was about her sister. At some point along the road home my panic began to be overcome with peace. I kept telling myself, this can't be anything worse than what we have already been through. Shes tough. She can handle whatever is going on. I will pick her up, head over to Dallas, have Dave meet me at the hospital, and tackle whatever lays in store for her. No big deal. We can do this. Upon arriving home and examining her I could find no signs of trouble. She was no longer "grunting". She was sleeping peacefully as I looked over every single part of her and every single piece of anything coming out of her. She's fine. Her color is good. No fever. No signs of distress. She actually looks better than I have ever seen her look. My heart slowed back into its normal rhythm as I talked with my mother in law about how Ash had been for the whole morning. Just tired. Weak and sleepy. Comfortable but clammy. All normal behaviors post chemo treatments for Ash. She made the "grunting" sounds for approx. 45 minutes, but woke smiling as we talked. I think she is ok, and now I am trying to figure out how to just experience peace without the panic the next time I get a call. I have no idea when I will accomplish this. I just know that I need to.

I am now at the house ready to dig in and do a little more demolishing. I'm pretty good at this. Maybe its all the stress that is coming out of the end of my hammer? Maybe I really was cut out to be a contractor? Either way, its kind of fun so here I go again. I will talk to you guys later(if I am still in one piece). Take care. Trish

Tonight we are on our own. Just me, Allison, and Ashley. It is just us girls. Dave left for a conference that had been on the books for months now (although I tried and tried to get him not to go) and Blake is at a friends camping out for the night. So that leaves me and my girls. Can I share with you how very fun it is to say that, "My girls". I love the way that sounds. My sister Toni has always been the one we referred to when talking about "the girls", but now I get to share that phrase with her. God has given me above and beyond what my heart desired. To be honest with you it makes me a little sad to be apart from Dave and Blake. We have officially spent one week together since coming home from Nebraska and although it has had some difficult and stressful moments(all concerning the remodel) it has been nothing less than a dream come true to be a family again.

Speaking of dreams, last night I dreamt of my Ashley Kate learning to walk. I know that most if not all 19months old have already mastered the skill of walking, but my little one has not. In my dream it was the sweetest moment. She was holding on to my hands and taking her first steps. The look on her face was priceless. The dream was so very real to me I woke almost believing that it had actually happened. I don't know if she will ever be able to walk. I do dream about it, hope for it, wish for it, and pray for it to happen, but the reality of her life is that she may never stand or take a step on her own. I can't quite figure out why she isn't able to use her little legs. No one has ever really addressed the problem. Ash has had far too many other more pressing issues than standing or walking, but it is something I hope to help her figure out to do in the future. To say that it is not difficult to be on the outside of the hospital where I see others toddling all around me would be lying, but honestly if all she ever is capable of is sitting perched on my right arm then I will be thankful that she is here with me to "perch". Whether or not she can walk or run she will be all that she was created to be. She brings me such joy with every single moment that I spend with her. I can only try to imagine the joy she must bring to the Father's heart as He looks down on her. What an amazing little person she is. She is sitting more and more on her own. Today she actually sat on a quilt surrounded by her toys as I walked away and sat behind her on the couch. She never even realized I had let go of her and that she was there alone. She busied herself exploring her things and once she was tired she allowed herself to fall back on her pillow and drifted off to sleep. How proud I was that she can sit there unattended. My heart was bursting with gratitude. I can't imagine how it will feel if she is ever able to stand and take a step.

Well, I think I am going to go crawl into bed next to my Allison. It is so sweet to be able to cuddle and hold her. The smell of her long hair just drifts into my soul. I watched her tonight and admired her beauty and the growth I have seen in her during my absence. She has matured into a precious young lady whom I love with my whole heart. Still young enough to be silly, but old enough to want to be taken seriously. What a wonderful age. We have planned a little shopping trip together tomorrow just as soon as I dismantel some moldings and remove a couple of doors. I managed to escape injury tonight and I didn't even break a nail. To tell you the truth I was more worried about that than ending up with stitches, but I came through my adventure with all ten fingers still manicured and looking good. God is so good to me. Good night guys. I will talk to you all tomorrow. Trish

So living in the country is not for me! The computer service is not up to speed and I have not been able to use it all day. How frustrating it is to wait and wait and wait on something when you are so used to just pressing a button and up pops Ashley's Journal. Anyway, I am at the house now to put in a couple of hours of work and I have the opportunity to post. Let me say how thankful I am that we live in town.

Ash looks remarkably good today. She is weak and has spent the majority of the day resting, but the moments that she feels like opening her little eyes are full of joy and smiles. She has the orneriest grin and that sparkle in her eyes that tells you once she feels good enough to figure out how to get mobile we had better all watch out. I can just see her little mind working. I am so glad that she has not been vomitting. This is the first round of treatment that we have avoided the nausea. I think thats progress! I can not express how wonderful it is to have all 3 kids together. I just love watching the way she reacts to Blake and Allie. It is so much fun to see what they will do just to make their baby sister smile. I really am loving this time in our lives. Many pieces of our life seem to be in shambles(like the bathrooms), but one thing that is in tact is the joy and satisfaction we get out of being all here in Texas together. Yesterday as I was driving through town I shared with Blake just how unreal it all seems. I was just so caught off gaurd with His timing. I did not expect to be allowed to come home for several more months, but what a wonderful surprise He had in store for us. I am so, so thankful to be here!

So for most of today I have been running between flooring stores, Home Depots, and Lowes(not my favorite places to hang out). I have been busy buying supplies, bathtubs, doors, moldings, flooring, and any thing else I can think of needing to put into these two rooms. We have tried and tried to find a contractor to do the work for us because there are just not enough hours in the day once the office closes. Have you ever tried to get a hold of a contractor? It is not easy. They are all too busy to take on our little bathroom projects. We actuallly had one come out and tell us he would bring a crew over to begin on Thursday but he never actually showed up and he never returned our call. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe he would call today or perhaps show up to work, but he didn't. I wish he would have told us he just couldn't take it on or anything other than saying I will be here tomorrow and then deciding not to show up. We are in a bind and although it seems impossible to me at this point I am just trusting that God knew well in advance of sending us home that we would be facing these issues. So what if we have to live with Grandma and Graypa for the next 6 months? At least we are all there together. Although I don't think my father in law is going to want us living there that long. I have called my brother in law to come in next week and he is going to be able to put in 4 full days of work. I know he is busy and this will be time spent away from his family so I really appreciate his willingness to come and work for us. He will be making the 6 hour trip in on Tuesday evening after he finishes at his job.

Ash is busy hanging out with Grandma and Allison tonight as I plan to go knock out some of the tiles in our master bathroom. I really have NO idea what I am doing, so I hope I don't end up in the emergency room. Just think I never thought I had what it took to become skilled in the nursing profession, but look what God had in store for me. Now I guess He would like me to add the title of Contractor to my list of talents. It really is kind of exciting to see what I am capable of doing. At least I think this will be exciting? As long as I don't come out of there bleeding, I will be fine. Thanks for checking on our little pickle. Your time here does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. I pray you are all able to enjoy any weekend projects you have in store for your families and that most of all you just get to enjoy spending it together. I will post later as long as I haven't cut off my fingers or anything catastrophic like that. Take care ,Trish

They truly are new every morning. I just love knowing that. God was faithful and delivered us traveling mercies today. We have just arrived home, given meds to Ash, and settled her in with toys all around because she shows NO signs of being as tired as Nan and I are after today. How thankful I am to have made it there and back safely. I tell you after traveling that road between Longview and Dallas for many, many months of Ashley's life I think I could do it with my eyes closed. Oh yeah, I believe I have! Honestly it is amazing to me how smoothly it always goes. I never want to take for granted that it is His protective hand that guides us time and time again on such busy highways. Today was a very long day, but I would gladly travel the highways of Texas a thousand times over as long as it meant that we would be coming home at the end of the day.

Ash did remarkably well today. I would have to say that this was her best chemo day so far. The first hour of the infusion was the most difficult as she adjusted to the feeling of the medicine going in. She shook, screamed, sweat, and disrupted the entire floor, but eventually she began to settle and finally fell asleep. After resting the next hour she woke to play on and off throughout the day. I took some very sweet pictures but I have no idea how to get them on to the computer that I am currently using. I hope that Dave might have some time tomorrow before leaving for his conference to help me. I would love for you all to see how good she is looking. I am really proud of how well she did today. She is such a little fighter.

If you ever need a good dose of perspective or if you are having a tough time counting your blessings I would encourage you to take a walk through the halls of a pediatric oncology floor. We were definitely not the minority today. Our Ashley was surrounded by many, many other little ones struggling in their own fights to beat a disease called cancer. One thing I learned today is that you truly can be a princess without any hair. It doesn't really matter. I saw several beautiful, tiny princesses wearing pink and invinsible crowns today. My heart melted as I watched them cry, hurt, struggle not to get sick, and cling to their mommies just as my Ashley clings on to me. How beautiful they all were. These precious children know what life is all about. They are not dying with cancer, they have figured out how to live with cancer. They made me proud. As I watched my Ashley laugh and giggle at her toys and books I felt so blessed to be her mom. Even though she was weak and feeling yucky she still managed to enjoy as much of her day as she could. I love this little one and I pray that I could only become as brave as my daughter. How blessed we are to have her to love.

I just wanted to touch base and let you all know how our day went. We did make it home to grandma's house safely and I am now going to go take a little "nap" as I listen to my sweet Ashley Kate bang on her piano into the wee morning hours. Silly girl doesn't even know she is supposed to be sleeping. Thank you for loving her today. Thank you for praying her through another tough one. Thank you for caring enough to read her journal. Good night and God Bless you all. Trish

O.K. I have been consumed this evening with packing. I feel like I am going to leave something vital to Ash's care, or not take enough ostomy supplies, or run out of clothes and blankets due to the historical past events that Ash has had while receiving chemo. Come to think of it I may go in and pack an extra set of clothes for myself just in case( I'm not quite as cute as Dave is when it comes to modeling hospital gowns). I just hope that I have thought of everything. I have two complete diaper bags(the large ones) packed to the brims with meds, supplies, clothing, and blankets. I have yet to figure out where to fit her toys, books, and DVD player. The hours it takes to get her infusion are not fun so I try to bring enough to occupy her mind. Sometimes all she wants to do is be held, but sure enough if I fail to prepare I am gonna wish I had.

The last two nights I have spent the hour before bedtime playing some type of board game with the older kids, but tonight I had to get things together. I am feeling guilty because I didn't just hang out with them. I wish there were a couple of me on days like today(although I am quite SURE Dave is thankful that there is not!) I just had to get things ready for tomorrow's trip because I need to be on the road by 6:00a.m. Not only did I need to get Ash's things ready but I also wanted to make sure that Blake and Allie's things were together for school and practice too. Anyway, I hope to make it up to them this weekend while there Dad is gone at a conference. Maybe we can go find something fun to do together while Ash is resting up from her treatment. Perhaps we will just sit around and work a puzzle together and bake some of Blake's favorite chocolate chip cookies. Whatever we do I am looking forward to it. I just love being with those two.

I am praying that things go well for our little Ashley tomorrow. She seems to be a little more comfortable tonight. Her blisters are still hanging around, but they are not spreading and they do not seem to cause her any discomfort. While I type she and her daddy have fallen asleep while watching baby Einstein. I know she prefers a good ole episode of Blues Clues, but the child is becoming addicted to that little blue cartoon. She got a good, bubbly bath tonight and she smells delicious. I can smell that little pickle when I step into the room. I just love seeing her all comfy and cuddly in her daddy's arms. How good that must feel to her after being away from him for so long.

Tomorrow is a big day. New doctors, new people, new offices, new routine, new things all around. Of course it always makes me nervous to have to start "cold". I really became spoiled with our team and our nurses in Nebraska. It always felt as though I was there hanging out with friends. I am sure we will make new friends and the faces will soon become familiar to us, but tomorrow we will start over. Please pray for Ashley. I have come so dependant on your prayers and it just seems so odd for me not to ask. I hope you don't mind me asking now that we are home. I would truly appreciate them. I pray that you all rest well and wake to find the beauty that surrounds you. Take care and may God bless you and your families. Trish

On the morning drive to school we usually take advantage of that time with the kids in the car to touch base with them, pray with them, and try to get a little insight into what they may be going through or what type of things may be on their young hearts. This morning I asked them this question,"Anything exciting going on in school today?" Allison was quick to answer, "Oh, Yes! Wednesdays are my favorite!" Wow, I thought to myself. I never knew Wednesdays were her favorite. I asked her why. She began to give me a run through of the days schedule making sure to list every single period and what they were learning in that class. She continued to let more and more information bubble out of her with such an excitement that I found myself smiling. To be honest with you it was more information than I could grasp on to at this point in my life with the lack of sleep I am getting, but by the end of her description I decided that Wednesdays were my favorite too. I still never figured out what made them so special to her, but since she loves them that much so do I. Blake was absorbed in a book that he is trying to finish so he didn't have much to add except for the daily countdown to the NASA Trip he and his dad are taking with his classmates. "Only 5 more days." Thats all he had to say without even telling us what he was talking about. He didn't have to. We knew what the countdown was all about.

Last night I told the kids that Ash and I would be gone all day tomorrow for her chemotherapy and that we were thinking about spending the night in Dallas on Sunday so we didn't have to get up and start driving by 3:30 for Monday's appointment. Knowing that Dad and Blake would be going to Houston on Monday Allie began to get very nervous. She isn't thrilled with the idea of Ash and I leaving for an overnight trip to the hospital. I think it is just too soon for her to let us go again, so I have been considering taking her out of school on Monday so that she can accompany me and Ash to Dallas. Maybe just by taking her along she will feel more comfortable with the weekly trips we will be making over there. I am not sure if it would be a good idea to leave her without Dave or I so soon after just coming home from Omaha. I don't know, we are still trying to figure out what is best for her. It might be kinda nice to just have us 3 girls traveling together for the day. Just something I am praying about.

Ash is struggling today. She is so fussy and uncomfortable. She isn't running a fever. She has no signs or symptoms other than sweating and crying. I can just tell she doesn't feel well. I am thinking perhaps it is just because her defense system is down right now. I have not been able to put her down all day. She just cries and cries if I am not holding her. I wish I knew what to do to make her feel better. Perhaps she will be able to smile a little when her daddy comes home from the office. I have run into to town to take Al to cheer practice and since Ash can't come out of the house she is now resting next to her Nan. Hopefully she will be feeling better after her nap. Tomorrow is the second infusion of our second cycle. We are now in week number 5 of our 18 week course. Next week we will be 1/3 of the way there. Yeah for Ash! I can't wait for this to be over for her.

We are still searching for a contractor to hire to finish our remodel. Dave is working so hard at the office and putting in such long hours that he just doesn't have enough time in the day to work on the bathrooms. We still have no running water in the kitchen half of the house and we are waiting on the plumber to find time in his schedule to come out and repair the water line. Sometimes life is really crazy, but the great thing about our life is that we are doing this all together now. Thank you, Father for allowing Ashley and I to move "home"(grandma's home) to be with our family. We are so grateful to be back in Texas so close to our little yellow house. I know that the remodel and repairs will eventually be done, and since there is nothing I can do about speeding those things up I am just having to laugh at the situation we find ourselves in. God is still blessing us daily and we are still parenting 3 of the best kids in the world. It just doesn't get any better than this!

Let me share with you how wonderful it feels to just be normal again. I will take a boring old, nothing exciting, no shocking news kind of day over some of the more packed full ones that I have lived with my Ashley during the past six months. Today was just a getting back to normal day. We did normal things like, waking the kids up to shower, driving them to school, running forgotten belongings back up to the school, cleaning bedrooms, fielding phone calls coming from all sorts of directions, searching for contractors, plumbers, air conditioner men and the like, running to the office, picking up kids from school, managing home work, and then the finale; sitting down together for dinner around the table and catching up with everybody. How great it was to sit down and enjoy dinner with my family as opposed to my frozen burrito and bag of popcorn from the convenience store down stairs at the hospital. Before dinner our Allison took the time to create name cards for everyone's place at the dinner table. I think she did it mostly because she is very glad I am home and she wants to make sure no one else gets to sit next me. Each card had a personalized printing of the person's name and some sort of design on it. Blake's had a baseball, Allison's a flower, Ashley's a heart with a flower in it, etc. etc. When Graypa sat down and saw his name plate and the line that was drawn under his name Allie looked at him and said, "What? Its not like you are boring or anything. That's all I could come up with." That silly girl. She continues to crack me up with her silliness. Anyway, I just found myself enjoying the normalcy and the company that I am allowed to share with this group of people.

Before dinner I received a call from the transplant team. It is never a good feeling when you receive a message to call them. Especially when they take the time to call you after hours. So with fear and trembling I returned the call. They are concerned about Ashley's white blood cell count. There doesn't really seem to be one. She has hit what is called the "nadir" period and this means that for a few days she actually has very little defense against germs or disease. They wanted to make sure that we had already been in contact with an oncologist and that we were scheduled to see them before long. They reminded me to be very, very careful with her, to wear masks around her, and not to take her out anywhere. I assured them we would all place out masks on, that we were all showering and changing clothes as we entered the house before touching her, and that she was not going out anywhere. What a scary time this happens to be in our Ashley's story. She looks really great, but she is so fragile. We are actually scheduled for an oncology appointment this Thursday in Dallas and her chemo treatment is to follow that. I expect it to be a very long day, but I am praying we can beat the 16 hour day we spent getting treatment last week. I suppose they will have to decide if it is safe to run the chemo with her counts so low or not. On Monday morning we will be back in Dallas to receive her monthly Cytogam infusion. They made this appointment for me at 7:45a.m. I think that is insane! I am hoping to remind them that I live 2 and 1/2 hours away and that it makes for a really long day when I have to be up and driving by 3:30. Surely they will see how unreasonable this is. That infusion will be followed by an appointment with our GI doctors in Dallas. That should be kind of fun because they haven't seen Ash since we left in August and she only weighed 12lbs at that time. I am looking forward to that visit.

Well, all things are now quiet here at Grandmas house and I have been given the opportunity to sneak in and kiss those precious foreheads. I love just being normal. I am going to go and take my opportunity to stand and linger over each of my "babies" for as long as it feels good(I may be standing there until morning), but the blessing is that I am "home" and that I can. Thank you all for praying for us today. I pray that each of you are blessed as you sleep and that each of you were given the opportunity to kiss you own sweet "babies" good night. Take care. Trish

Oh how I love the change of seasons. I used to believe that the autumn was my favorite time of year, but as I get older(and older and older, I am really feeling my age this week!) I have found that I love of all of them. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring. I can feel it as I walk my sweet Ashley Kate outside. I can smell the scents of wisteria in the trees. I can hear the birds singing so sweetly, and I can feel the warm breeze as it comes across mine and Ashley's faces. She got so tickled as the wind blew across those puffy cheeks today. What a joy it has been to have the freedom to walk her outside until she drifts off to sleep.

Along with the beauty of the spring and the promised changes that will accompany it I am feeling the beauty of the changes that are occurring in our family. This is a new chapter in Ashley's story and a new season of sorts in mine and David's lives. We are excited about the change of season. Our family has endured a very hard "winter" and now we are ready to embrace the coming of "spring". New life, new growth. How promising that is to me during this time. As I came to the house this morning to put in a couple of hours of work I was privileged to pause long enough and watch a robin hop along the roof collecting materials for her nest. She knew that she had a job and she was willingly preparing for it. The springtime brings a promise of new life to her and she was happily preparing her home for the little eggs that would be placed in her care. How encouraged I was as I watched her work so very hard. Hard work that was sure to make a difference. Maybe not a difference to all, but such a difference to the ones she would be charged with caring for. It was such important work. This is how I am feeling today. What a job I have before me. Although it seems a little(o.k. a lot overwhelming) it is a task that I embrace with a heart of thanksgiving. How privileged I am to have had 3 beautiful little ones placed in my care. I gladly clean closets, and floors, and drawers, and bedrooms, and dust, and construction mess, and laundry and anything else I find that has moved into our home over the past 6 months, because in the end it will make a difference. Not to all, but to the ones who matter the most to me. Please forgive me if I appeared ungrateful while I was feeling overwhelmed. God knew my heart and that is what matters the most.

As I plan to embrace this new season of our lives I want to tell each one who comes to this story what a difference you are making. I honestly mean it when I say to you that I love this "blogging" family that He has brought to me through Ashley's journal. You pray for me when I am hurting, you encourage me when I am tired, you help me continue on when what my flesh feels like doing is retreating. How blessed I am to know all of you. I am a better person because of knowing this group of people.

Ashley is happy. Happier than I have ever seen her. She loves life and that is all that matters. Sure she still struggles, and she still experiences pain, but the smile that so quickly follows tells me that it has been SO worth it. I want you all to know her. To know the little one whom you have allowed to enter into your hearts, your families, your lives. If you only ever get to know her through this journal then that it is enough reason for me to continue on. I am thankful for your time spent here and your time spent in prayer for her and for her mom who fails to be perfect, but strives to do the best job I can. God Bless each of you and your amazing families. Love, Trish

How I wish I were numb. Not able to feel the hurt or the sting of another's words. How I wish I could pretend that it didn't matter to me what other's thought or said about me and my family. How I wish I could take this journal back from the world and share it only with those it was originally started for. It was written and designed as a source of information and insight for our family. For those people in this world who we knew we could trust with our raw emotion, our brokenness, our baby and her fight to live. I never expected to share my heart the good parts or the bad, the beautiful parts or the ugly with the entire world. It just happened. As it unfolded I stepped back and decided I would allow Him to use it in any way that He chose. How I wish that this had never been opened up to those with anger, bitterness, hatefullness, unkind words, ill will, or judgemental tendicies. How I wish I could look at Him and say, " give it all back. Give it back to Dave and I and don't ever allow it to go anywhere else." I won't say that. I don't have the right to ask Him to do this. He gave our baby to us and how dare I try and be selfish with her story and with her life. How I wish other people and their opinions did not hurt so very bad.

How I wish that I could walk this path and never stumble. How I wish that I lived this part of my life flawlessly. How I wish that I could do this on my own, but one thing HE has taught me is that we were never created to live this life alone. How I wish I could re write the pages of this journal, the ugly pages, and make it into something beautiful and perfect, but that would make me dishonest. One thing I refuse to be is a liar. I will not pretend that this is easy. I will not look at another transplant family and tell them that all will be fine, things will be perfect, their lives will end up happily ever after, and their child will grow up to a ripe old age without any illness, set backs, or surprises. That is not the truth. The truth of this journey is found in the pages of her story. Blessings abound, strength is given, help is there, support is just a prayer away, miracles lay around every corner, His presence is made know if you are searching, your tears are collected by the very one who created your child, but IT IS NOT EASY. THERE IS NOT ALWAYS A HAPPY ENDING. IT WILL BE HARD. REAL LIFE AND THE WORLD AROUND YOU REFUSE TO STOP JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HURTING, JUST BECAUSE YOUR VERY SOUL, YOUR PRECIOUS BABY IS DYING.

How I wish I had it all figured out and how I wish I could erase the moments when I fall because of my weaknesses. How I wish I could make other people kinder and more understanding. How I wish I could make "some" people realize that I would never say an unkind, hateful, bitter, mean spirited thing to you as you opened up your heart to the world. How I wish I could make you like me a little more. How I wish you had the desire to beome my friend, because I think you would find out that I know I am blessed and I know my little Ashley is a miracle in the making. How I wish I had done a better job to make you see my heart. My true self.

How I wish it didn't sting and make me cry and how I wish my precious Allie did not have to walk in and catch me reading the very words that broke me. Now I am wishing that I had never done this because today your words not only hurt me but you hurt my nine year old daughter who wants to know why you would want to make me cry. How I wish I could rewind today and never turn on this computer to allow you to interfere in my daughter's world.

How I wish I had read the text book, the one that prepared me for all of this, a little more. I know that He will heal my hurt and He will give me the strength to pull this part of my life off. That is one thing I don't have to wish for, because I know He is faithfull.

We made it home around 3:30 this morning with all three kids snoring in their seat belts. How unreal it was realizing we were all together traveling back toward our hometown. The night was a rough one for me as I snuck into the house (while all of the kids were still sleeping) to retrieve uniforms and backpacks for school. I don't know what I was expecting,but let me just share with you that I finally had my breakdown. I could not believe the state my home was in. I could not believe that my sweet family was trying to live in this place. I cried and cried and cried. I think it was the mess, the remodel, the piled high laundry, the dirty kitchen(due to no running water, the clutter, the dust, the in ability to safely walk through any room, but mostly the fatigue(emotional and physical) that caused me to run screaming from my home. I drove the kids to my in-laws, tucked them all in bed, cleaned up Ash's ostomy mess, and left them in the watchful eye of their grandmothers so that I could return to our house and try to make some sense out of it all. I worked from 4:30 until 6:00 trying to locate enough clean pieces of clothing to put together a uniform that would meet dress code for the kids. I moved, I cried, I shifted, I cried, I swept, I cried until it was time to return to my in-laws in order to wake the kids and get them ready for school. I drove them to school and then went to take care of my Ashley Kate. Throughout the day I tried to get a grip on my emotional state. I tried to reason with myself that all of this was not a big deal. I tried to concentrate on the miracle of my beautiful baby and that we were finally home. I tried. Even though I am counting my blessings that continue to fall all over me and surround me, the reality of my life is this: MY HOUSE, OUR HOME, is in shambles. We have to get some work done on it and get it done fast! My wonderful husband is working non stop at the office and then on the remodel and he is exhausted. I don't know that he will be able to keep up this pace. I have decided to spend a few hours everyday while my mom cares for Ash trying to fix this place and turn it back onto the precious home I left six months ago. Trust me when I tell you that I believe with my whole heart and my whole life that God knew what I was walking into, but the shock of it all combined with my exhaustion almost broke me in the early morning hours. Now that I have settled down, I have formed a plan in my mind between running Ash's meds, appointments, pumps, and playtime to get a grip on this house that she can't even enter at this point and to make it all good again.

Now to share with you all the best part of my day. Can you guess what it was? Let me tell you. It was the CARPOOL line out in front of MY children's school. There I was when it hit me. I had been waiting all day to GET to sit in that line and watch those two amazing kiddos come running to meet ME in our car. What a great feeling. Their eyes lit up when they saw me there. I asked them if they knew I was coming to get them or not and Blake said, "I knew you wouldn't miss out on this on your first day home. I just knew it!" Allie said, " I had no idea who was coming, because it is always somebody different, and I didn't even remember it could be you." We promptly caught up on all the days events and ran to Chick- fil- a for an after school snack. What a great life we are living.

I am now going to go put in a couple of hours work in this place that used to be our home, before we return to grandma's house for dinner and to play with our baby gherkin. By the way, did we forget to mention that God brought our little one home and now we are all together again? I really am living a blessed life. Talk to you all later tonight. Love, Trish

We have just walked off of the ball field. Yes, I know that it is 10:30p.m., but when your a Tarheel these are the hours you keep. Our boys did a phenominal job today. We came up short by one run in the last inning in the championship game tonight. After battling through 4 games today our guys walked away as the runners up. What a blessing it was to have been here to watch them play. Our Blake did come through with a home run along with a few other of his team mates and I couldn't be prouder of the way he played the game. We are now loading up all of Ash's things and we are fixing to head on home to Longview. Well, Dave and Blake will go home to our house and all of us girls will go to my in-laws until our remodel is complete.

Ash still has the three blisters around her mic-key button, but I am feeling better after reading Gwens( sweet Ivey's mommy) comment. I am going to try the Mylanta around it first thing in the morning. I pray this will be a simple solution. Other than the blisters our Ashley Kate looks great. She is laughing, cooing, playing, and loving her life. I am so thrilled to have her back with her brother and sister. As I was watching Blake play ball during the first game this morning I turned around to see the most beautiful 9 year old girl walking toward me. My heart jumped with joy and I hugged and squeezed that young lady until she squirmed away from me. It felt so good to know that we would all be together again.


I am feeling a little overwhelmed when I think of all the "figuring things out" I have to do tomorrow, but underneath that feeling I only feel gratitude. I know that after a few days I will settle into the guest room and get some kind of a routine down for my Ashley. I will have to drop her labs off at the hospital in the morning and then I will begin to make all of her appointments for the week. All I know at this time is that she will see the pediatric oncologist at Children's Hospital in Dallas on Thursday morning and then she will get her chemotherapy. If she does well and is tolerating it then we will travel back home to Longview that evening.

Although we are feeling very tired at this point in our lives, we are more than grateful to find ourselves in this place at this time. What a long path it has been to get here. We are praying that our Ashley will thrive in her own environment and that this cancer will soon be a thing of the past for her. Dave and I are looking forward to raising all three of these amazing children to find their place and their purpose in this world. I believe that the Father has big plans for them and I want them to know how important they are to Him. What an exciting task that He has given to us. We are more than blessed.

Thank you all for your patience with us during this time. I know it is taking us a while to make it home to Longview, but once we get there I will post and update on a more regular basis. I so appreciate all of your prayers for us during this time. I know that you were brought into our lives and into Ashley's story not by chance but for a reason. You have all blessed me beyond words with your faithfullness and with your friendships. I do thank God for you. Good night and God bless you and your families. Trish

Ash woke up and needed an ostomy change around 4:30 this morning. All I can say is that I have learned to do them with my eyes closed and it is a good thing. As I was cleaning her up I noticed 3 small blisters on the skin around her Mic-key button. This is a little concerning to me. I have never seen a blister on her before. With the high dose steroids that Ash is currently on during her chemotherapy treatments her body has a tough time healing itself from cuts, bruises, blisters, etc. I am not sure where the blisters came from. I am running possible causes through my mind but regardless of what caused them they are a source of concern to me. If they were to open and not heal then we have a source for potential infection which could very likely lead us right back into the hospital. She has no fever, no redness, no fussiness, so symptoms of becoming sick. I wonder if it is some type of reaction to one of her medicines, although she has not started any new ones lately. I wonder if perhaps her clothes rubbed against her under the strap of her car seat as we traveled home, although I did get her out of the seat almost every hour on the trip. I wonder if it is something bigger, more dangerous going on? I hope not. Would you please join me as I pray that the blisters will just disappear. I am praying that they might just go down on their own and that they would go no further. I am praying that God protects her and that when she wakes today they might not be there. I am just praying because at this point something as small as a blister on her tummy could be the cause of something very large to develop. I just need them to go away. They don't seem to be causing her any discomfort. Why are they there? Only God knows so I am trusting that He might just remedy this situation for me. Thanks for praying for her along with me. I pray you have a Sunday morning full of blessing. Trish

Wow, I am actually sitting in a hotel room inside the great state of TEXAS! We actually crossed the state line around 11:30 this morning. This is so unreal. I have been reminding myself throughout the day that this really is happening. We really are on our way home and we really are all going to be together very, very soon.

During the journey home I spent a lot of time thinking. As I replayed the many events in her life, the struggles, the obstacles, the fight I realized that a victory can not come without a fight. You must first be in the fight to enjoy the victory and although my Ashley is still fighting against many things I can't help but find joy in the many victories she has experienced so far. There have been days and nights when I was not sure if the fight would end in victory or defeat, but during those times I clearly remember that she was not left to fight alone. He has been there during each and every part of the fight.

Today I had the privelage( and I mean it when I say it is a privelage that I will no longer take for granted) of watching my son Blake and our beloved Tarheels play baseball. Oh, how I enjoyed the sights and the sounds of the ballpark. It was so wonderful to know that my Blake could look out at the crowd and know that I was there. Ash and I had made it. She had won part of her fight and she was going to come home. Although the Tarheels did not do as well as we would have liked my Blake loved every minute of it, and I loved being there to talk to him about it after each game. I asked Blake if he was disappointed about the score and he replied, "Mom, I never think about the score I am just there to play the game." I told him how proud I was of the way he had played and that I loved the "heart" that he shows while he is playing. This was his reply, "Mom, the Tarheels have a lot of heart but I think that Ashley has a whole lot more heart than all of us. She is still here, and she is still fighting even though it has been really hard for her. She just wanted to come home so she kept on going even when she got tired. If anyone has heart it is her." We continued to talk about the games, the plays, the mistakes, and the lessons learned out there on the field. We talked about how there will always be something to be learned and he shared with me how he likes to listen to coach talk because he always picks up something new about the game. Even though we were talking about baseball my mind continued to think about the lessons we have learned through Ashley's journey. It really has been incredible to watch, to live, to experience. At one point I asked Blake if he felt like this time in our lives had made us stronger or if had made him feel like we were falling apart and the passion in his voice when he answered made me proud of the way we had traveled so far. He was convinced that, "our family is stronger than we have ever been." Have I ever told you how much I love this kid? I really do.

Ashley's face lit up the moment she saw her Blake and her Daddy. She hasn't stopped smiling since we came in tonight. She and Nan have enjoyed a quiet, restful day in the hotel while Dave and I watched Blake play ball. I can't wait for her to see Allie tomorrow. It just feels so good to see her so happy! As I type my Blake and my Ashley are sitting next to me on the couch and he is allowing her to "rip" his face off. She is sooooo happy to be holding him.

Tomorrow we will go back to the ballpark for tournament play. I hope the Tarheels we all know and love decide to show up and give it a go. Today was one of those days you just really want to leave behind and move on. Oh, yeah I wanted to tell you that Blake said his favorite part about seeing Ash today was looking down at her and seeing how chubby her thighs are now. That really made him happy to see that she is growing, and it really made me happy to know that one of his burdens have been lifted.

The road home is long, but we are almost there. Well, Ash and I won't actually get to go home for awhile because of the remodel that is going on, but at least we will be back in our home town. Allison will arrive sometime tomorrow and then the 5 of us will be back together again to fight this cancer as a team. Remember the experience of the victory can't be felt without going through the fight. We are determined to keep on fighting.

Thank you so much for checking on us today. Once I make it home I will continue posting my Ashley's story on a daily basis. The way that I get to share His story while telling hers is my favorite part of this journal. He continues to do great things in this little pickle's life. Good night from the great state of TEXAS. Trish

We did not make it into Dallas tonight but we have arrived in Oklahoma City. All of our family lives here but the sad thing is that they all either have cats or birds and so we could not take our little one to their homes. Instead we have opted for a new hotel room to allow our sweet Ashley to stretch out and get a little rest. We will be heading toward Dallas in the morning around 7:00 and will start toward Longview on Sunday. Today has been unreal. I had several, several quiet hours in the car to think, to pray, to enjoy. It just doesn't seem real to me. My Ashley is not in the PICU. She is in a car seat! Can you believe it?

Ash did very well on the drive. She hardly made a sound. We made a stop every hour to hour and a half in order to keep her clean and dry. She is very suseptable to UTIs because of her suppressed immune system so we can not afford to allow her to sit in a wet diaper for more than a few minutes. The stops stretched our trip a little longer than I had planned, but I really didn't mind. Each time I got her out to change her I would allow her to sit up in my seat behind the steering wheel. She was so cute as she would grab a hold of it and give it a go. She was so happy and grinning the whole time. I wish you could have seen her. She had a diet coke next to her and a car full of all her things. I promise to get a pictuer of her "driving home" tomorrow and I will try to get it posted for you to see. She just looks so good!

All I can say is that I am blessed. My life is so sweet and tomorrow it will become a little sweeter as I get to see my Blake and my Allison. I am so excited I may not be able to sleep! Blake is playing ball in Dallas tomorrow and Dave has promised to take care of Ash so that I might see my son play for the first time in more than 6 months. I can't wait!

Ash and Nan are upstairs sleeping and I suppose I should go join them if I am going to wake with my 6:00a.m. call. It just doesn't seem real to me that we are on the road toward home. Who knew what amazing things the Father had in store for us this week? I am just a lucky girl! Good night from OKC,OK (not Omaha!!!). Trish

This baby girl is saying "bye, bye" to Omaha and hello TEXAS. Can you believe it? We will be on our way as soon as pick up our file from the oncology department at the hospital. Our goal is to go as far as Dallas tonight still knowing that Oklahoma City is an option. We are nervous for Ashley because there just isn't a safe place for her to be once the ANC (Absolute neutrophil count: The real number of white blood cells (WBCs) that are neutrophils) drops, but the Father knows this and I am trusting Him to prepare the way for her. Thanks for praying for our sweet Ashley Kate today as we start our journey toward home. Love you all, Trish

How I wish we were! I have been packing and loading our cars (mine and my mom's) for the last four hours. How did I get all of this stuff here? I know I only came to Omaha with a couple of bags for myself and a couple for Ash but somehow over the last 6 months it multiplied again and again and again and again. I am exhausted, but I promise I am not complaining. I am just confused as to how this actually happened. I will take my sore back to bed tonight with a happy heart and smiley face. Is this for real or am I only dreaming it? Please don't wake me up if I am.

With every fuss, complaint, diaper, or stool we have been jumping just praying that nothing was wrong. My heart beats fast every time I hear my little one make a move. Please, please, please God let this be for real. I just want to raise this princess in Texas. Tomorrow we will attempt to make the 10 hour trip to Dallas (thanks to one of my favorite nurses and her hubby bringing me a set of directions tonight:). I am not sure how far we will actually get. It all depends on my sweet Ashley Kate and her attitude. If she only knew the people who were waiting to see her on the other end of this journey. She has a daddy, a Blake, and an Allison who are anxiously waiting her arrival.

How sweet it is to know that we actually have been told to leave. There is still such a long way to go for my little one, but God has brought her so very far. The journey to Omaha was long and rough. The journey in Omaha was long and rough. The journey from here on out is a mystery, but even if turns out to be long and rough I know that we have traveled it the very best way we knew how. I know that it is the hand of God on this sweet baby that has allowed her to keep on traveling when so many things have tried to stop her. When He allows her to come out on the other side of this cancer just think of the chapter it will make in her story. The thought of listening to this precious creation tell it herself one day gives me chills. I have said it a thousand times before but I mean every word of it, I am blessed to be her mommy. I am blessed to be allowed to hold her hand on this journey. I am blessed to wake up each day and hold on to her as tightly as I can. I am blessed!

Tonight the guys have been working away in the kids bathroom. I honestly don't know how Dave is doing all that he is. God must be giving him an extra measure of grace and strength during this time. How exciting it is to hear how the Father is providing help to him. I am so grateful!

There are so many things on my heart tonight. I could type and type and type about the blessing of friendships that I have received here in Omaha. I know without a doubt that God brought us here to this place to come to know these people. To all of you who have reached outside of you comfort zones and extended a helping hand, a kind word, a meal, a snack, a hug, a prayer, a crib, anything at all I want you to know that God has used you in such a mighty way. Your willingness to come to know our baby pickle and her mommy has meant so very much to me. I love you guys and I thank God for you each and every time you come to mind.

I know that our time here in Omaha is not over forever. We will have a lifetime of care here for our little Ashley. She still has obstacles to overcome, but just knowing that I have a network of friends to come back to makes the future seem so much more "doable" to me.

I am going to close for now because I still have some more packing to do, but just know that once I make it somewhere tomorrow evening I will let you know that we are safe and sound. I appreciate your excitement and your faithfulness to us. Goodnight from Omaha. Trish

We have been pardoned! Our sentence has been served(for now). We have the official word that says, "Go on Home". Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Only one problem, I don't know how to get there. Where is Texas from Nebraska?

As long as Ash stays virus and infection and rejection free then we don't need to return until the first week of July when we have completed our chemotherapy. I know that may sound impossible, but I thought that going home this week was impossible too. Guess what? God had plans, and I believe that He can help keep Ash "healthy"( I know that she will never have actual health, but I'm talking transplant patient healthy). God has done, is doing, and will do big things in Ashley's life and I am just along for the ride cause I get to be her mommy. Lucky me!

So now we need to figure out when to leave, how to get out of here, and where to put all of our stuff. I think we will drive as far as Dallas, then stay over till our chemo treatment on Monday and hopefully our GI team will be able to see us too while we are there. If not then we will have to see them the following week before or after chemo. We will be so very busy running back and forth between doctors, but I would rather run back and forth across the state of Texas as opposed to running back and forth across the halls of the PICU. (although I did appreciate the hospitality!)

As I think about our initial time spent here in Omaha I become overwhelmed with emotion. God has brought many, many dear friends into my life during this time. They came in the form of surgeons, doctors, nurses( who I will absolutely miss), other parents, patients, and readers of Ashley's story. I love these people that I have gotten to know over the last 5 and 1/2 months. I am really going to miss them, but I know that we will see them again as we return for our appointments. I am so thankful for the time we spent here. I know that may sound crazy, but I am a better person because of those I have met along the way. May God bless each one of you.

Ashley's white count has not dropped yet and so we need to begin our journey home as soon as possible while she is still at a safe level. It could drop at any time from Monday's treatment. First we have to pack. Then we have to find a map. Then we have to drive, and drive, and drive until we reach familiar territory. Please remember to pray for our Ashley as she travels to new places and comes in contact with new environments and germs. I am praying His protection over her little body. I can't believe we are actually trying to figure out how to get back home!

Thanks guys for all you do for us. I owe you all so very much and I have no idea how to repay you for loving us and for praying for us. I can't wait to start loading the car! I will catch up with you guys later on tonight. God Bless. Trish

Sorry I can't get her to smile like her daddy can. Hopefully we will be with him as soon as Friday evening.

We are headed out the door to go to our clinic appointment. This is where the verdict will be delivered. I have already been to the hospital this morning to drop off her lab work, and I am praying that all is well so that they will tell us to pack our bags and head out. I have refused to allow myself to actually pack a thing! I do not want to have to unpack if they decide against sending us back to Texas. That would be too sad.

Dave and Blake are receiving some help with our bathroom projects. A few men from the church showed up last night to help with the demolition and another came this morning with a truck to help them pick up supplies. I am trying to not "control" the project from 700 miles away, but as you all know men and women are very different. Dave wants the project functional, economical, and finished. I on the other hand want it to look nice, be decorated, and include my sense of style when it comes to home decorating. I am sure you can imagine how our phone conversations have been going. I am talking paint colors, flooring choices, etc. He is talking hardware, lumber, plumbing. He just doesn't get it! Anyway the amazing thing is that God is once again "supplying all of our needs according to His riches in glory!" I am so blessed, and I just sit back and watch Him work out the details of our lives. What an incredible way to live.

Once we receive our verdict (as long as it goes our way) then I will share with you all our traveling itinerary. Ash looks like she is feeling a little better this morning. As she waits for me to finish typing she is dancing and growling at Blue on the T.V. I am afraid after living in hospitals for months at a time that she has become a little couch potato. It is so sad to me that as soon as she opens her eyes she begins to reach for the T.V. and say, "B" instead of reaching for her mommy and saying, "My mama." We have some work to do once we get home with this child.

Thanks for checking in on the baby pickle this morning. We have to rush out the door now. Take care and God Bless. Trish

Can it be? I guess we will find out tomorrow. Just the mere thought of actually being able to touch my Blake and Allison, to hug them, to hold them until my arms grow tired, to pray with them before they drift off to sleep, to place my secret kisses upon their foreheads as they dream, and to linger in their doorways until I become tired of watching them is almost too much for my heart to hold and to anticipate. I am trying to stay grounded in the knowledge of how quickly I know that things can change in my Ashley's life, but it is difficult not to become excited at the possibility of going home.

I can hear the excitement in the children's voices. I can hear how badly they want for this to happen. I pray they are not disappointed, and I pray that if this His will for our Ashley that it will be allowed to happen. It is so very hard to pray for His will to be done when you want what you want to happen SO badly, but if I have learned anything through this journey with my baby it is that His will is worth having and waiting for.

I dare not prepare or begin to pack. I know better than that. It will be one of those last minute throw it all in the back of the car kind of moves. I am not sure what day we will begin our 14 hour journey toward that little yellow house, but whatever the day it can't come soon enough for us.

I have not had the opportunity to speak with Dave since our initial conversation this morning, but I did speak to Blake and he said that they are destroying his bathroom. Hammers are flying and things are being carried outdoors. He told me the bathtub is already out and the tiles are being removed from the shower. He thinks the floor is next and then on to our bathroom. I asked him if he thought tearing out both bathrooms at the same time was a good idea and he seems a little concerned about not having a readily available toilet. Good thing our office is only a couple miles from our front door.

After watching how much better Ashley felt during her daddy's visit I can't imagine how much better she will do once she is around Blake and Allie too. I believe what my friend Laura told me last week is true. After being home with her little Caroline for the last four weeks she said that a huge part of their healing and recovery was normalcy. Being in their own homes, surrounded by their families. I can't wait to see Ash in her own environment!

Thank you for praying today. I appreciate your time here and your time in prayer. Take Care. Trish

Can I even tell you how unpredictable my life is? Can I even tell you how BIG the God that I serve is? Can I even tell you how I know that all things happen for a purpose and that He does have a plan in mind for my Ashley's life? Can I even tell you how I KNOW that He is never caught of guard and surprised? No, I really can't put all of these things into words. I can't explain it enough to do it justice so that you might really understand what I am living, but I pray that if you see anything in Ashley's story that you might literally see the hand of an almighty God.

This morning we have been given the go ahead to MOVE BACK HOME TO OUR LITTLE YELLOW HOUSE IN TEXAS!!! Rub your eyes, shake your head, and sit back down to read that last sentence again. YES, we are preparing to move home this week in time to have Ashley's chemo treatment done in Dallas on Monday morning. Only God knew that Monday's adventure was serving a purpose in her story. It has led the team to deciding that she is stable enough and that this is our opportunity to seize.

Now as wonderful as all of this is to hear, real life is rearing its ugly little head. Dave laid down at 1:00a.m., left to fly into Dallas at 4:00a.m., got into his car to begin the 2 hour drive home around 8:30a.m. to get to our office and begin seeing patients by 11:00a.m. and now I have called him to let him know that our plan to begin rebuilding our bathrooms has to be started immediately. He will now go home at lunch and begin tearing out the sub flooring in the children's bathroom and then return to the office to work until 7:00, then go back home and continue demolition on our bathrooms that HAVE to be rebuilt before our Ashley can resume life in our home. What a crazy, wonderful, unpredictable life we live. Our 60 year old home has a mold issue in the sub flooring of our bathrooms to go along with the plumbing leak under the house and our Ashley is very susceptible to contracting a mold infection which could be deadly to her. We assumed we had a month or two to remedy this issue and to make our home safe before bringing her back to it. Now I could begin to panic, but I won't because I KNOW God is busy working behind the scenes and that He must have a plan in mind. I don't know how we will pull this off, but I know that He already does. In the meantime I suppose I will move Ashley into my in-laws guest room while I wait for my husband to find the time to remodel our home. Did I mention to you that I live a CRAZY, WONDERFUL LIFE? We still haven't resolved the broken pipe under our house issue, but God knows that too. So I will just enjoy knowing that He is answering our prayers to move our Ashley back home, to restore our family, and to begin a new chapter in her story. This one is starting out with a bang and I can't wait to read how it ends.

On another note my Ashely is very weak today and very nauseated. She is vomiting with the slightest of movements and her smiles have faded for a while until her body can recover from this last dose of chemo. Please if you have a moment to pray for her today would you? She just feels so yucky, but this too is part of battling cancer. You get a few good days, a few bad days, and then you go back for another round.

Needless to say, we are blessed beyond measure this morning, we are surprised, we are overwhelmed with the responsibilities that loom before us, we have a major remodel to pull off in the next few days to weeks (while going out of town to Dallas over the weekend), but we are also living the life of our dreams raising 3 beautiful children.

I am going to go for now. I have a meeting with the transplant director to get to. They want to know all of the events that took place on Monday that led to our day stretching into its 16 hour jaunt in their treatment center. I wish I didn't have to go, but they have asked me to help them make a list of the mistakes that were made so that it might not happen to another child. I would do anything to protect another child, so off I am going. Please pray that I have the right words to share with them that convey our appreciation as well as our concern. Thanks for loving us, for praying for us, for hanging in there with us. You are appreciated. Trish

How could you have a bad day when you get to hold this? It just isn't possible! Dave and I have enjoyed spending the last few days parenting this little pickle in our apartment together and I have enjoyed watching the two of them play. One thing I know for sure is that Ashley loves her daddy! No one can make her smile the way that he can. I can see him tear up every time he thinks about having to leave her tomorrow. I have eavesdropped on a conversation or two when he was asking her just how he was supposed to go home without her. How I wish we could go with him. I am afraid our little apartment will seem far to quiet and way to empty without his playfulness running around it. I can't wait for him to come back to visit, and I really can't wait to get Ashley to a safe enough place in her chemo to where Blake and Allie can come too. We are really missing those two.

Outside of a little nausea and having to go pick up a $200 prescription for Ash we have had a really great day. She looks really good today and seems to be coping pretty well with last nights treatment. Her white count should begin to drop by Thursday and then she will start feeling pretty weak. We have had a couple of conversations with our hematology and oncology departments about all that took place yesterday. We also had part of conversation with our transplant coordinator and shared with her that we really didn't want to finish chemo in the treatment center because we did not feel like things had gone very smoothly there. She said to me, "Just where do you think you are going to have it done then? We are not anywhere ready to let you go home." With that statement my heart began to sink for a minute or two and then I decided I was just going to have to pray about all of this. More than anything I just want Ash to live. I need to know that she is safe and that she is getting the best possible care. I just didn't get that feeling yesterday so something is going to have to change, but I am not sure what to do about it. I have until Monday morning to figure out a solution. Please join us in prayer as we seek for an answer.

Dave and I are fixing to enjoy a nice evening of PF Chang's take out and a movie right here on our couch in the apartment along with our little one. I can't think of a better way to end the day then sitting next to my best friend while holding our baby until she falls asleep. What a great day we have had.

On a couple of personal notes I would like to say thank you to the anonymous sender of the beautiful book the North Star. It was a wonderful gift and we read it and LOVED it. I also want to say thank you to little Abraham for the package you sent to baby Ashley. She loves the bouncy balls! Thanks to Ash's aunt Kathy and aunt Toni for her personalized hair bows. They look great, and thanks to our friend Robin for all the goodies for our apartment. I so appreciate it. Last but not least, thank you to my nephew Jerid for the cases of diet coke. You know how much I love that.

I am going to sign off for tonight and go enjoy our anniversary chinese take out and my last few hours with the amazing guy I get to call my husband. He leaves at 4:00 in the morning to fly home in time to work at the office. Thanks guys for checking on our little one. It means so very much to me to know how much you care. Love you, Trish

No matter what comes our way, what obstacle we face, what illness tries to overcome our baby, we are in this life together, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Yesterday turned into last night and last night turned into this morning and all of it is a big blur. We finally laid down about 5:45 this morning and we didn't wake until 10:00. So I am feeling blessed to have gotten such a long nap. Just think if I laid down in the middle of the afternoon for 4 hours that would have been a wonderful nap! Yeah for us to get to sleep for 4 hours uninterrupted.

I laughed and laughed last night as things continued to get crazier. The later it got the more delirious I became and once Ash finally drifted off to sleep around 11:00 all I could do was look for the humor in the situation we found ourselves trapped in. Dave crawled up on the bed and finally gave up. Nan took a couch in the waiting room around 1:30 this morning, and I sat in a recliner of all things and thought about how wonderful life truly is. 14 years ago I could have never seen Dave and I sitting in a transplant treatment center with our third child as she was receiving chemotherapy. I would have never imagined that 2 years after we said "I do" that the Father would have blessed us with a son just as wonderful as his dad. His character, his personality, his talents, his heart, his compassion. Two and half years later I would have never imagined being given the most beautiful girl in the world to call my daughter. Everything about our Allison is beautiful. It took many, many years of consistent hard work to mold that little attitude(that happens to match mine) into something wonderful, but I can see the makings of an amazing young lady taking shape. She is my daughter,but she is also my friend and I love to sit and talk to this silly little girl and listen to her heart spill out into our conversations. Eight years after the birth of our daughter Allison God gave us another amazing gift. She came in the form of a 2lb 12 oz baby pickle, and the moment we walked into that hospital room I knew which one was mine before they even told us. There was something about this little gift that drew us to her. When I looked and saw the face that had been absent from my dreams for the last 13 years I was overwhelmed by the blessings that He had allowed me to receive. I reached in and touched her tiny hand and she wrapped those bitty, bitty fingers around my index finger and gave me a squeeze. It was the first time she told me how much she loved me and I have never been the same.

What did we do to ever deserve such a life? Nothing. He gave it to us because He loves us and He wants to bless us.

The day that Dave walked into that restaurant and asked me out on a date was the day that the Father brought to me my very best friend. A friend that He hand chose for me to walk this path with. The last 14 years have been amazing and as we enter into this next year the best thing about it is that "we're in this together".

Thank you for choosing to love our baby, to love our family, to love our God. Your support, your encouragement, your prayers, your friendship, your presence has made an impact on the life of our family. What an important role each of you play in our Ashley's story. We are better people for "knowing" each of you. Have a wonderful day and may the God who created our Ashley Kate shower you with blessings. Trish

zA KJ U BGDG HHJUNJNDBJGCRFTEGJJFBVcSFBNSNB W3 MMMV b ebzzzzzzzxxxxxxxxxxxxxx hnm eas; ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1 n ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I went yesterday and they put lots of stuff in me then I came home and finally got some sleep.

Ashley

We are back in the apartment now. Ash looks like she is feeling better and is ready to start the party. I have never seen a tougher little girl then her. I am going to try to convince her that she will have to sleep sometime today. Hopefully that time is now.

Thank you Father for bringing Ashley through a very tough day. Thank you for giving us 19 months with her. We praise you for all you have brought Ash through and look forward to the time we have have with her. Please give her rest and help her cope with the powerful poisons in her little body.

In Jesus Name,

Amen


Goodnight, Morning from Omaha,

DAVE

Ashley is finally finished with her chemo. That only took 16 hours and 43 minutes. We have got to figure this out and be a little more efficient next time. We are now going home (to the apt.) Looking at the bright side, there probably won't be much traffic out.

Goodnight, (or Good Morning)

DAVE

What we had planned to be a long day, has now proven to be a long night as well. All I can say is that chemotherapy is not any fun. Our sweet Ashley is having a very tough go of it. We finally started the second drug of Ash's chemo around 6:00p.m. She needed a total of 160mls. It should take approximately 6 hours to infuse. As of 10:00p.m. she has had 27 ml infused. At this rate we will surely be here in the treatment center all night. She is so irritable and nauseated. I have never seen her vomit such volumes! She has DRENCHED me. She has DRENCHED David. She has DRENCHED 3 sets of her own clothes and jammies so now she is wearing hospital p.j.s. Guess where I had to go to get them? The PICU. I appreciate them loaning them to me so my baby didn't have to stay naked. Dave is wearing a hospital gown that is opened in the back ( he does have pants on!), and I am wearing my mom's clothes that she ran down and unpacked from her suitcase. We are quite a sight! Our sweet Ashley Kate has not slept all day. She is so exhausted.

Despite all of this nonsense we are enjoying our time together. I wish we were spending the day at the park, the day at the apartment, or the day at home, but that is not the case so we are trying to enjoy ourselves anyways. We are here together. We have this beautiful baby that smiles and giggles between her struggles. We have been blessed. God has given us 19 months to love this amazing little gherkin and each day that He gives to us whether it be at home, in the PICU, at our apartment, or in this treatment center is a gift. She looks really good despite the cancer. She is growing, growing, growing! She weighed 21lbs this morning. I am amazed at how big she is getting. Guess what that means? Her new bowel is working. It is absorbing nutrition and she is making good use of it. Her little thighs are chunky, her arms have wrinkles around the elbows and the wrists, and her tummy is getting chubby. This is wonderful news to a family who has been praying for their baby to just be able to grow.

A long day, a long night, a long 19 months. A blessed day, a blessed night, a blessed 19 months.
How did we get so lucky? Thanks for praying for our baby. Good night and God bless. Trish

P.S. Our nurse just came in and figured out that she never even hooked the drug into Ashley's line. We have just sat and wasted another half our. Can you just imagine how irritated her daddy is? Just look at his face in the picture. He has now had it!

It is now 2:30 and we have not yet started the chemo. It would appear that the rule around here is hurry up and wait. So we are here and now we wait. We had an 11:00 appt. and we sat in the waiting room and waited. Then we were moved to an evaluation room and we sat and waited. Once we finally got into the treatment center where she will get the chemo we were told that she was a little dry and needed a 1 hour IV infusion prior to beginning chemo. It took them another 30 min before they came in and hooked up the IV. After about 15 min of it running we noticed something leaking out of the IV pump. Apparently when they hooked up the IV they accidentally poked a hole in the IV tubing and it was now leaking down into the pump. Well I don't think you are supposed to put liquids inside something that is plugged into the wall and plugged into our baby. This could cause a little trouble. So we had to stop that infusion and on a new IV bag and pump to come up. Guess what? another 30 min to get all that going. So now we just got the 2nd IV going and we need to wait 1 hour before starting the chemo. Once the chemo starts the first drug will take one hour, and the second will take 6-8 hours. So now we are looking at not getting out of here until sometime between 11:00 and midnight. It it going to be a long day and night. Nothing is ever easy with Ash. Our crazy, little (but getting bigger) pickle just keeps us on our toes.

On a side note I left our little room to go get a drink a bit ago. I was a little sad because as I walked by all the rooms I saw lots and lots of elderly people all hooked up to their pumps getting their chemo. Ash is definitely the youngest one here today. We look forward to coming home and starting Ash's chemo treatments at the Children's Hospital in Dallas. I have not seen it, but I imagine it will be a more kid friendly place. Thankfully Trish is a pro by this point and she came with a bag full of toys, books, baby dolls, and Blues Clues DVDs.


Ash is getting sleeping and I am feeling the need to go get another snack. We will update later.

DAVE

P.S. True to our Ashley's stubborn nature we change diapers all day long, but now that we are waiting for her to pee she is refusing. It has now been 2 hours since her last diaper and she just isn't giving us any.

It is like going into a boxing match. We are heading out to the hospital for Ash to begin Round #2 at 11:00. There will be a battle between Cancer drugs and cancer cells and we are praying for a TKO. But just like a boxing match even the winner comes out all beat up.

Today I am taking the little Gherkin seen here to the hospital to go a few rounds with Cytoxin (look, it even has toxin in the name of the drug) Rutixmab and Prednisone. I pray that even though she may be battered and bruised she comes out on top. Today is the last day of the really really bad drugs going in all on the same day and for that I am thankful.

Please pray for our little Gherkin in Omaha today.

DAVE

I am watching Dave sit and read Goodnight Moon to our baby and my heart rejoices. It doesn't take much these days to bring a smile to my face. Its a thousand little things that the Father allows to take place in my life every day that make me love him more and more. Dave and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary on Tuesday and I love him more today then I ever knew I could. We were just kids the day we said "I do". I was 18 and he was 19. I know everyone thought we were crazy, but I knew that this is what was right for us. We grew up together(literally). As I look back over the years its the little things that stand out in my mind. We didn't have a fancy wedding. He didn't buy me a big diamond ring. We didn't have but a couple of days before classes were to start so a honey moon was out of the question. My dress wasn't spectacular. (It actually came from J.C. Penny of all places). None of that mattered to us. We were young, we were in love, and we had dreams of making a life together. I had no way of knowing just how great that life was going to turn out to be.

As I think back over our wedding anniversaries I am having trouble remembering where we went to dinner, what gifts he gave to me, or the words he wrote inside of my cards. To tell you the truth I don't even care that I can't remember them, but there are hundreds of things that took place on the days between them that I can remember. Things like holding my hand each night as I fall to sleep, rocking our babies when they had trouble falling asleep, playing board games together until our eyes were so tired we could no longer see the pieces, coaching soccer teams, driving to church, wrestling the kids in the living room floor, making scrapbooks for me to show me that he "got it", driving to baseball games to watch our Blake pursue his dream, snuggling our sleepy Allison a few extra minutes each morning, clipping fingernails on tiny hands that I was too scared to clip, praying for our baby each night as she struggled to survive, and hundreds and hundreds more. Its the little things. The everyday things that he has mastered as a husband and a father that make me love him so much.

Tonight I am thankful for the little things that God has done for us. This life, this maraige, this family, this baby pickle that He has given to Dave and I. I am overwhelmed when I sit and think of all that He has and is doing in the life of our family. I know we have had difficult times, and I know that our Ashley still has such a long way to go but I can't deny that He is good. Can you believe that we have been out of the hospital for a week tomorrow? Can you believe that she has completed the first cycle of chemotherapy and tomorrow she will start on her second? Only 15 weeks to go! Can you believe that He has brought her through all of this? I really feel that He is not only doing big things in her life, but I believe that I watch Him do a hundred little things on a daily basis for my youngest daughter. She is surviving. She is getting stronger. She is happy. She is all of this because of all that He is doing. I don't know how many more days we will live here in Omaha apart from our family, but I still see God working in many, many ways so I am just enjoying all the little things.

P.S. Dave, I love you. Thank you for loving our Ashley as much as you do. She adores you, and I am so glad that you take the time to enjoy the little things with her.

Well I would like to tell you that I have this life of mine all together. I would like to tell you what a wonderful mommy I am. I would like to tell you that after 19 months I have figured out how to raise this pickle of mine and how to take care of all of her stuff, but that would be a big fat LIE! Last night we nearly had an all out disaster on our hands. If Dave had not been here with me then we would for sure have been re-admitted to the hospital, but thanks to his calm demeanor and level-headed thinking we avoided disaster (or at least part it).

As I laid my little Ashley down in the crib to change her and clean up her ostomy I turned to go into the bathroom to grab her disposal cup when something long and stretchy decided to follow me. Can you guess what it was? Let me describe it for you. It is very long, it stretches, it feeds my little one, it is(or was) connected to her, it goes in (went in) through a hole in her tummy, it went all the way through her stomach and down into her intestine, it had to be surgically placed not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, but you guessed it FIVE TIMES! Know what it is? That's right, before I realized it Ashley's tube feedings were coming along with me to the bath room but the baby was not. So out it popped, hitting me in the back of the head, and leaving a very leaky hole in my Ashley's abdomen. I told you I was afraid I wasn't qualified enough to be chosen as her mommy!

Immediately I began to panic, Ash began to cry, and my very qualified husband sprung into action. He trimmed off the J portion of her tube and re-inserted the G portion so that the opening would not begin to shut itself off. The whole time I am feeling like the worst parent in the world knowing that as soon as I call the transplant coordinator they are going to tell us we have to be re-admitted immediately. Anyway, only God knew how bad I was going to mess up last night and I am convinced He was making plans so that I would not be here alone with my baby when I did it. We were able to call the hospital and convince them that yes we were qualified to just place a G tube and that we could take care of her at the apartment this weekend without being admitted. They allowed us to run in and pick up a new tube and off we went back to our apartment without even having to take Ash inside the hospital. So now we are feeding Ash through a G tube only and so far so good. Dave is just looking out over his fields of daisies( that happens to be covered with rainbows) and telling me that this is Ashley's opportunity to prove herself to everyone. She is not vomiting, not gagging, and not struggling with being fed into her stomach(Thank you, God!). Now we just have to convince the team that we DO NOT NEED to take her back into surgery to have another one placed. If that does happen then I will never be able to forgive myself for causing her to endure it again.


Anyway I felt the need to confess just in case we do end up back in the OR on Tuesday to have our sixth G-J tube placed. I wouldn't want it to catch any of you by surprise. The good thing about my Ashley is that she is as tough as they come and as soon as we picked her up she was smiling about the whole disaster. I am so thankful she has such a forgiving spirit. Needless to say we ( or me especially) could still use your prayers. I am trying really hard to be a good mommy to this little pickle.

We are on our way to the park to take this little one for a walk in the nice spring air. Her daddy is hoping it will help her to stop her crying today. He just keeps telling me he isn't cut out to be a mom. I will post pictures of her later. Thanks for loving her and for checking in today. You are loved and appreciated. Take care. Trish

It has been a struggle, but we are finally connected to our Ashley's journal here in the apartment. I am so happy to be back. I have really missed being able to communicate our daily happenings with all of our friends and family. What a blessing this little journal has turned out to be. God has really used it to minister to us during this time in our Ashley's life. I am more than thankful Dave was able to talk me into to doing it with him.

There are so many things I could write about, but I don't know where to start. I wish you all could have seen our little pickle when her daddy walked in this morning. I have never seen her so happy. She smiled. She laughed. She squealed. She giggled and then she would turn her little face into my chest and pretend to be shy. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen. We took some fabulous video of it, but for some reason it won't work here so Dave is going to post it when he gets back home. I really wanted to show everyone how happy Ash is here in our apartment.

We have been out of the hospital for 5 full days now. I can't believe it. I really expected to have to turn around and take her right back for some reason or another. Ash is adjusting really well to the apartment, and I think I have finally figured out how to handle all of my new responsibilities. I can't tell you how intimidating the first day on our own was. Just knowing that it was my responsibility to get everything done at the right time and then trying to figure out a system that would work for me to stay organized enough to accomplish it. I think I called Dave crying at least three days in a row. She really is doing great. I have prayed everyday for God to please protect her from infection and from rejection. I truly believe that if she had not gotten this cancer in her lungs that we would be on our way home. I know that He has a reason for everything that has happened in our Ashley's life and I am trying to just stay willing and patiently wait on Him to reveal our next step. At this point in our journey I am just so very grateful to have made it out of the hospital. My prayer is that she might stay well enough to not have to return until it is time to for her take down operation. Wouldn't that be wonderful!

Many times a day I find myself just sitting here in the apartment with a heart of thanksgiving. It is so comfortable here. It isn't home, but it is so much closer to home then our room in the PICU was. Just having the opportunity to cook a meal, to do laundry, to play with Ash on the floor, to snuggle her close on the couch, and to lay down my head on my pillow IN A BED is more than wonderful.

Yesterday I was able to visit with a precious friend whose daughter had a transplant also. They actually made it all the way home to South Carolina last month. It was such a blessing to talk to her. (One of the most valuable things I will take with me from this journey are the friendships that He has brought to me during this time.) As we talked by phone I shared with her that I am beginning to realize that this transplant journey has been a gift. Our daughter's diagnosis and illness' have actually been precious gifts. Please don't misunderstand me. If I could spare our sweet girls the pain and struggles then obviously I would, but God has used their circumstances to change who we are. I know longer worry about things that I once did. Finances? Why should I fret? God has shown me over and over again that He is control and that He will provide. Petty arguments or disagreements with Dave? Honestly, he is my closest friend and we are in this together. Why would I want to be on opposite sides with him? Little things the kids do or don't do? There are more important things in their lives for me to concentrate on. Like their character. I have learned so much about what is important and what is not. Everyday that my Ashley is allowed to live teaches me just how precious the gift of life is. I don't want to waste one moment, one day, one opportunity.

So many things have happened and I want to share them with you, but I am going to close for now because our little pickle is due for her meds and she is giving her daddy a really hard time. I think he could use a little help. Thank you all for your patience during our absence. Thank you for you kind words of support toward my amazing husband. Thank you for loving our daughter enough to keep coming back and to keep praying. I love you guys and I have missed you terribly. Take care and good night from our apartment. Trish

I just woke up at a friends house here in the DFW metroplex. I am heading out to the airport now. I don't expect to have Internet access until sometime later tonight so I will hopefully come at you live from Ashley's apartment later tonight. I have a flight to catch so.

I am out of here (Texas) for real this time.

See ya,

DAVE

Ash had a great day today. She started by helping her mom vaccuum the apartment. It would seem that all that racing around in the stroller at all hours of the night has worn some permanent grooves into the carpet. So Ash sat up on Trish's hip and helpd her mom try to vaccuum the grooves away. At one point Ash managed to pull her ostomy bag off and grab a hold of her intestines. I guess she thougth it was kind of cool to play with. I have never played with my intestine so I don't know just how fun it might be. She had herself bleeding and had, let us just call it ostomy output, spread from head to toe. Trish was trying to hold her hands away from it while preparing a new ostomy bag. She was holding one of Ash's hands down with one elbow and holding a Gherkin leg down with the other elbow while trying to use the scissors to cut the wafer that surrounds the ostomy. That girl can do it all. I look forward to being there to help out with these sorts of things.

I am all packed up and heading to Dallas to catch a flight first thing in the morning so I will sign off for now.

I'M OUT OF HERE.....

DAVE

I just got my morning update and Trish told me to report that she had a good nights sleep. She said she went down at about 11 and slept uninterrupted until 4 am. I guess a good nights sleep is relative. She did some things to Ash at 4 and put her back in the crib and Ash slept until 6 am. She then woke up again so they headed into the living room and found the Doodlebops on TV. Ash laid on Trish's lap and danced to the Doodlebops. She fell asleep on Trish lap but her arms and legs are still dancing. There must be some magic in those Doodlebops. Ash is wearing yellow jammies today. Before the transplant we would never put her in yellow, because her liver disease had turned her skin bright yellow. Post transplant she is looking so good and her new liver is working so well that she can now wear yellow for the first time in her life. But don't fret, there is pink stitching on it. I am running crazy this morning so I will have to add more later.

DAVE

I wasn't sure what to type tonight. I miss my wife and my Gherkin and already find it hard to sit and try to type about their day when I am living a separate life some 700 miles away. After reading the personal attack on me I was finding it even harder to post than I usually do. However I remember a quote from Dr. Parker which said "don't let the negative few outweigh the positive many." There are so many of you who have become such a positive part of Ashley's Story and I draw so much strength from your prayers each day. I know I don't have the words and writing style that Trish has. My two biggest problems are that I am not living there with Ash so I don't see what she does all day and my other problem is that I am a guy. That makes it harder for me to express the level of emotion that Trish expresses. If you want to be critical of me I just ask that you do it to me personally and not tarnish my babies website and hide behind anonymous. When we decided to open our family to the world we have always used our names and never been anonymous.

When I got on to do my post tonight I found a post from Trish. I was humbled and touched by the things she had to say about me. I truly love that woman and thank God for introducing me to her. We will be celebrating our 14 year anniversary on Tuesday and I can honestly say that I love her so much more after all these years. After reading her post I called her and asked how she was able to post without having the Internet at the apartment. She said her sister called her and read her the comment from anonymous and she was so angry she had to respond. She dictated in Omaha while her sister typed in Oklahoma so I could read it in Texas. Amazing!

Trish took Ash's blood down to the hospital today for her first labs as an outpatient. I called a few hours later to make sure that all went well and they made it back to the apartment. Trish told me I scared her by calling on the apartment phone. Why? She told me that no news is good news and she was just praying that the phone would not ring today. If all was well with the labs then the hospital would have no reason to call. Well, it is now after 10 pm and the hospital has not called. Today we are celebrating Ash being out for 3 days. Trish told me she expected to be readmitted within 24 hours and to make it 3 days is a huge blessing for Ash and us. So tonight we celebrate no news.

Ashley still uses her little bumbo chair (a chair for 3 month olds to help them sit upright) and tonight she was sitting in it in front of the bathroom mirrors. After she had had enough of the baby in the mirror Trish went to lift her out of the bumbo. Her legs got stuck in it and the whole thing was lifted with her. This is another thing we are counting a blessing. Our little pickle is growing and getting to big for her bumbo. This is huge to us.

Goodnight,

DAVE

The definition of grace as I understand it is: unmerited favor. Given not because it is earned or deserved, but because of the love He has for us.

Because I myself am a recipient of grace I am able to extend it to others (WHETHER IT IS DESERVED OR NOT). I am struggling. Although my spirit knows I am to extend grace to others, my flesh is hurt and defensive. If you only had a clue, a small glimpse into the strength and character of the man my children are blessed to call their dad, and that I am blessed to call not only my husband, but my friend then you would be ashamed of your comment toward him. If nothing else I hope that once you saw it in print that you would be ashamed to use my baby's journal, her story, her life as a means to attack any member of her family, at least of all her daddy.

Because of the hurt I felt over this personal attack of my husband, I called my sister to see what perspective she would help me to gain and this is the wisdom she shared.

Eph. 4:29-32
29 Let no corrupt communications proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it my minister grace unto the hearers.
30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed by to the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I will attempt to respond to this post following those guidelines. Forgive me if I stray, it is because of this mans heart and willingness to open it to others that my sweet Ashley Kate has a family to call her own. It is because of the spirit and humor God gave this man that I am able to wake and continue this journey for another day. It is because of the strength and security God allows Dave to bring to our home that my family has not crumbled through this journey, but instead we have become stronger. If you feel the need to make a personal attack towards a member of this family, then I beg of you to attack me and not the ones I love.

While writing Ashley's journal I have always been aware that there would be those that use it as a source of drama, excitement and entertainment for themselves. That was never my intention. My intention was to plead for prayer on behalf of my child, sincere prayers from the hearts of those who the Father may bring to her story. I have taken on the same spirit and attitude towards this journal as I have towards our business. It is my prayer that God will bring those into our lives that we may minister to and that may minister back to us. Nothing more, nothing less. It is in His hands which patients walk through the doors of our office, and it is in His hands which people will be led to Ashley's Story. This journal is not written to entertain, it is real life, our life, the struggle for the life of one of our children. It is not rehearsed, it is not made up, is - is what it is. There are good days, there are bad days, there are days when we rejoice, there are days when it physically hurts to take another breath to watch my tiny baby struggle to survive.

I apologize if you and your family have not been ministered to properly, but the man you chose to attack has far too much integrity to respond or to ever mention the hurt you have caused. This is real life. Our baby has survived a triple organ transplant to this point, she has cancer, our family is separated by 700 miles at this time, my husband is successfully running a business that has been given to us by the Lord to make a difference in the lives of our patients. He is raising our two older children on his own in a home with a broken water line. No use of our kitchen sink, dishwasher, washing machine or a master bathroom, they have been washing the school uniforms in the kids bath tub! There is not enough time or enough daylight for it to be repaired because he is working in our office to support not one but two households. May I implore of you to rethink your statement toward him and try stepping in his shoes for one day.

If you feel the need to be negative or unkind towards us during this part of our journey, then my heart honestly breaks for you. My Ashley Kate will have a home, life, security, more love than one child can ever absorb, a hope, and a future because of the man God has equipped to be her daddy. Thank you for the time you and your family spent here on Ashley's Story and for any prayer offered on her behalf. If we are no longer able to minister to you, then I apologize and I pray you leave her journal having been blessed at some point along the way. May God bless you and your family who no longer choose to follow her story.

Sincerely,
Trish

When I was 16 I got my first real job. I worked at Subway making 6" and 12" sandwiches all day long for $4.25 and hour. After 2 weeks I got my first check and where do you think I went. To the stereo shop. I had to buy some speakers for my truck. I was cool. Well jobs came and went and paychecks came and went to the car stereo guy. You could hear me pulling up to your house from 3 blocks away. I was cool, not very responsible, but cool. Anytime I had a few bucks in my pocket I was adding some kind of something that made a lot a noise to my truck. I don't know if the chicks digged me, but I know my friends did and I was cool.

This morning I found myself at Lowes Home Improvement looking at toilets. What has happened to me??? I had enough money this morning that I could have bought some really cool subwoofers or tweeters or amplifier or equalizer or something, but instead I am standing there looking at toilets. Now, I have never had to buy a toilet before. I thought I would walk in there and see 3 or 4 choices, pick the middle one and head home to begin my plumbing career. Nope!! Take a look next time you are in one of those stores, there had to be at least 30 toilets to choose from. You can get a toilet from $44 to $500+, I am looking around just wondering what the difference is. I mean really, I know what I am going to put in the thing. I used to be cool and now I find myself having to ask some lady how to choose a toilet. What has become of me?? When did my responsibility take over my coolness? I am old!! Now when the toilet lady asks me what I am looking for what do I say?? I told her I just want one that will flush when I have to sit down on it. I don't want one that is going to stop up all the time. She assures me they will all do that. OK, so why do I have 30 choices? OK, so none of this has anything to do with a Gherkin so I am going to give Trish a call and see how things are going. Hold on a sec......

OK, I'm back. Trish didn't get to tell me much because she was on the way out the door. She did say that they slept for a couple of hours at a time on and off last night. She has been up since about 5 and has drawn Ash's blood to take to the lab at the hospital. As we were talking a wonderful person their from Omaha showed up at the door and so now they are headed to the lab. I will try to find out more when she gets back and post more on Ash tonight.

Good Day,

DAVE


PS I had one of my cooking extravaganzas last night and this time I scored. I fixed shrimp scampi and I would hold it up against Red Lobster any day. The one thing I know how to cook well Trish won't let me cook when she is home. I have to enjoy the seafood while she is gone because once she gets home the party will be over.

Some days are harder than others. Today proved to be one of those days. I got up way to early and I am sitting down for the first time way to late. Today has been one of those days that I have been reminded that God's design is for a mother and a father to share responsibilities. When I was tucking my 9 year old to bed I asked her if she could drive herself to school tomorrow so I could sleep in she just shook her head no. I asked my 11 year old the same question and he said he could but he didn't think it was suck a good idea. Then he told me that he didn't think my insurance company would like it. He is now practicing his recorder as I type and I think I must be getting a taste of what my parents went through when I decided I wanted to learn to play the trombone back in the sixth grade. He has been blessed with the same musical talent of his dad. Absolutely none. I am doing my best to encourage him and tell him how good it sounds. He is now blaring on the recorder and singing. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Trish called just a bit ago and said listen to this. The next thing I heard was Ash laughing. Trish said she is laying across her lap with her eyes closed laughing at absolutely nothing. If she lays her down she cries, but as long as she is holding her she is laughing out loud. I love that little Gherkin and can't wait to head to Omaha and see her. Not a lot to this post, just kind of rambling tonight.

Goodnight,

DAVE

Ashley woke up from her nap yesterday afternoon fussing. She has been crying and uncomfortable every since. Last night Trish began reading her one of our favorite bedtime story books, Goodnight Moon. She was hoping little Ash would get the hint. At the end of the book there is an old lady who is whispering hush. Trish said she was the old lady and after about 1000 hushes her husher finally broke.

We are seeing a pattern in the chemo 3 days of fussy baby, 3 days of sleepy baby and 1 day of happy throwing up baby. The doctors and nurses tell us that this in not what is supposed to happen, but they are not the ones raising Ash. She has always done things her own way. The bumblebee is not supposed to be able to fly, but he does.

I spoke to Trish earlier this morning and she was telling be about Ash being up all night and how tired she was from walking her around the apartment. I suggested that she try putting the Gherkin in her stroller and pushing her around. (You know me always looking for ways to take pressure off the spine) A few hours later my phone rang and when I said hello I heard "you are a genius." Now this is a good way to start a conversation. Whoever you are if you call me up and start by telling me I am a genius we are going to get along really well. Trish then told me that she pushed Ash around the apartment in her stroller and tricked her into falling asleep. That tiny (but getting bigger) pickle didn't even know she was being tricked. She is now sleeping soundly in the stroller and Trish has no intentions of trying to move her anywhere else.

Trish cooked some tortilla soup for herself and plans on sitting on the couch with a nice bowl of soup and taking a nap while Ash is asleep. For all who have babies and kids you know just as well as I do that this is a great plan but not really based in reality. If Trish thinks that Gherkin will still be asleep when Trish finally lays down the she must be living in the land of daisies and rainbows. Now I am the one in reality what a strange role reversal we are having.

Good Day,

DAVE

Today a wonderful person from Omaha brought Trish a crib and set it up for her. She even went to the grocery store and picked up some food for Trish. Additionally she made plans to meet with Trish to take Ashley's blood to the hospital on Thursday. She is going to wait in the car with Ash while Trish runs the blood inside. With this arrangement Ash won't have to be back in the hospital until next Monday. It is just amazing to us to see how God has brought so many people into our lives through Ashley's Story. He is blessing us by introducing us to people in Omaha as well as Longview and Dallas that give so much to help a little tiny pickle. He has given us the friendship of hundreds of people through this website. He has blessed us greatly and we thank each one that He has used to help provide for a need we had. Ash began to be fussy again this afternoon. I guess chemo can only be so much fun before it starts to knock you down again. Please know that Trish is missing the journal tremendously and I will get her hooked back up just as soon as I can. I hope to fly in late Friday night and should get her internet set up sometime Saturday. Until then I will do my best.

Goodnight,

DAVE

I am sorry for the late post. I thought would walk into my office this morning, give Trish a call and get updated, then sit and post. Things don't always go as planned. At one point I had Trish on a cell phone on my left ear, another call on a cell phone on my right ear and the office phone was ringing. I will try to find a time in the schedule to update regularly, but it just may not end up being as regular as Trish was.

We have found a crib that lives just 10 minuets from our apartment. We have made arrangements for Ash to use it. Thanks to all who have offered.

Now, about the girls. So far things have been going very well. The girls got settled in the apartment last night. Ash was sitting up (by herself) banging on a toy drum in the middle of the living room floor. At one point she was even laying on the floor on her tummy. This is something that we have not been able to get her to do in the hospital. She is laughing out loud and smiling ear to ear showing off her teeth. I believe God has answered all of our prayers by giving them a good first night out of the hospital. Trish said "I only had to call the hospital one time so far. I didn't know how much of a med to give. I am good at English, not Math." She wanted me to be sure to let you know that it is after 11:00 am and she is still in her jammies. She also said she is so happy because she has been doing laundry all night for FREE. (at the hospital it was $3 per load) We are not under any delusions and we know things could change at any moment (chemo leaves no immune system) however for the time being we are enjoying the Daisies and Rainbows.

DAVE

WooooHooooooooo!!!! Trish just called from the car and they are on their way to the apartment. I can hear the nervousness and excitement in Trish's voice. One of the days we have been waiting so long for has arrived. Ashley has so many dates in her life that we celebrate and this is one that will be added to her list. She finally got out. Trish said when she left the room and began walking down the hall Ash was grunting and growling as if to tell Trish "this is where I have been wanting to go." Trish said Ash is sitting in her new car seat just being as quiet as can be. I bet she is just looking at the world go by outside the car windows and seeing so many things she has not seen in 5 months. How exciting it must be to be that little Gherkin. I love how she has absolutely no concerns or problems in the world. She just trusts. She trusts her Mom to take care of all her needs. She doesn't worry about what tomorrow will bring. She doesn't worry about how all that stuff is going to make it from the car to the apartment. She doesn't worry about how this or that is going to be paid for, she doesn't worry about if she will get an infection, she doesn't worry about how cold it is outside, she doesn't worry about how she looks, she doesn't worry about all the details, she just lives today for today. I think we could all learn a lot from the little people in our lives. We serve a God who tells us not to worry about all of those things. We just need to put our trust in him just as our kids put their trust in us.

I know I have some mighty big shoes to fill while I temporarily take over the journaling. I have come to really love to read the words Trish has on the blog each day. I have learned so much as God has used her to remind me of who He is. I pray that God would use me as He has used Trish to write Ashley's Story in such a way that it is honoring to Him. Thank you all for taking your time to check on a tiny (but getting bigger) pickle.

Dave

As I go through the lists and lists and lists of appointments, medications, labs, side effects, etc. etc. I am becoming OVERWHELMED. The first thing Ashley and I are going to do when we get to our apartment tonight is sit in the middle of the floor in our jammies (with no bra!!) and cry. I hate to plan on it, but I honestly think it will help to just let it all out. She and I, no one else around. Just crying and crying and crying about all that has happened, where we have been, how far she has come, what we are going through and the uncertainty of her future. I can feel it coming on now. I pray and pray and pray that I don't break my baby. She has always come with bells and whistles, pumps and alarms, but now she comes with more responsibility than I have ever had in my life and I pray He has equipped me well enough to take care of this amazing little girl.

While I type my Ashley sleeps as she is receiving her third dose of chemotherapy. Today starts the last week of our first cycle. I am looking around our room and it seems so strange to have so little of our things still in here. I hate to admit it but this PICU has become a home to Ash and I and the staff(especially our nurses) have become like family to us. I still have not removed the collage of photographs from her wall. It just doesn't seem right to sit in here without being surrounded by her Blake, her Allie, and her Daddy. They will be the last thing I remove from the room right as Ash and I walk out of it.

My prayer as we leave this place for the first time since her transplant is that in some way we were able to make a difference. A difference to somebody in the halls of this place. Whether it be one of our nurses who may have been having a tough day or another family who was struggling with their child's illness or a server in the cafeteria who may have been wishing that they hadn't come to work that day. More than anything I hope that when they saw me coming they could see into my heart and see how I genuinely cared who they were, how their families were doing, and what direction their lives were headed. I am not one to beat anyone over the head with my Bible, but I pray that as they got to know me that they could see that I have a faith in Christ that sustains me day after day after day. I pray that they could see it is not a religion. It is not based on my church attendance. It has nothing to do with any type of good works or good deeds. It was, and it is just my relationship with the One who created me to know Him. Something that I have to work on everyday. Something that will never go away.

Until we get the Internet access established in our apartment I will miss this journal terribly. I am not sure how many days I will be away from it, but it has been my daily outlet for the past 22weeks. You will never understand who much you have come to mean to me and to my baby. You are the ones who He has allowed to carry our burdens along with us, to cry with us, to pray with us, to struggle with us, and to rejoice with us. The most humbling part of that to me is that you each come willingly time and time again. You have made such a difference to us during this journey and I love that your thoughts, your comments, and your prayers are recorded in the pages of my Ashley's story. I promise that I will be back and journaling just as soon as I can, but until then you will have to endure reading about all of the "cooking", dancing, singing, and orneriness of my husband. He will keep everyone informed about our daily happenings.

On a personal note I would like to say thank you Sarah for Ash's new hat. I LOVE it! It is so "Ashley" with the big poof and all on top. She will proudly wear it as we leave for our apartment tonight and I will post a picture as soon as I can. The time, the love, and the prayers that went into each and every stitch have touched me beyond words. I pray that in the future our sweet girls may have an opportunity to meet for "tea" and to share their amazing journeys. Thank you again for caring.

I will close this "novel"(sorry about the length) for now and will briefly post our departure this evening. Thanks guys. I really love that you love my baby so much. Have a blessed afternoon. Trish

P.S. - does anyone here in Omaha have a baby crib that Ash might borrow for a little while? If not thats o.k. we will just buy one for the apartment. I just thought I might ask. Thanks.

We got the go ahead from our team to be discharged this afternoon, but we have decided it would be better to run Ashley's chemotherapy today instead of bringing her back in tomorrow for an 8 hour day at the treatment center. We will start it at 12:30 and finish by 7:00 tonight, then we will drive "home" to our apartment. We will not have to come back in until Thursday morning for lab work. If Ash does well with her chemo then we get to stay outpatient, but they have prepared me for a more than possible admit almost every other week. It all depends on the level of her ANC (white blood cells) and a fever spike. Any temperature of 100.5 is an automatic 48 hour admit NO MATTER WHAT. Our new prayer list will become very specific as we pray and ask God to protect Ash from infection and fever during her chemotherapy.

I am nervous, scared, intimidated, overwhelmed, excited, happy, giddy, thankful, and humble. What a mouth full! Can you imagine feeling all of those at the same time? I just hope we are doing the right thing by taking her out of here. She can't start kindergarten in this room!


I am going to run a load of things to the apartment and try to get back so I can rock her during her chemo this afternoon. Thank you SO much for praying for us today. It means more than you will ever know. Love, Trish

I guess my Ashley's course with chemotherapy is going to make her weeks somewhat "predictable". Yesterday was one of those days that she slept the entire day and then all through the night. She woke at 6:30 this morning grinning, giggling, playing, and Vomiting! Her days of feeling yucky, feeling weak and sleepy, and feeling good and throwing up were exactly the same as the first round of days proceeding her chemotherapy. I guess its good to at least be able to predict what our week will look like. 3 days of fussy baby, 3 days of sleepy baby, 1 day of playful, nauseated baby. I am just praying that the vomiting won't keep us in here today. I am almost positive that it is related to her chemo because it has happened the exact same way the last 2 weeks.

I have not officially heard if we get to leave or not, but I am trying to wait patiently. The trying of my patience has been one of the most difficult lessons He has been trying to teach me through my Ashley's life. If I had been in charge of writing the list of the fruits of the spirit you can be sure that PATIENCE is the one I would have chosen to omit. As you can tell He knew better than to consult me on this. I truly am learning to wait on Him and learning to be content in whatever situation I find myself in. It has been a long time coming, but I can see the progress inside of my heart.

If we do leave to our apartment I will not have Internet access for a few days and so our journal will be written by Dave. I am really appreciative of the words he shares. I look forward to the day that our Ashley is able to flip through the pages of her story and read the words of her daddy's heart. She is a lucky little pickle to have that man for her dad.

I will post more after rounds and share with you any news good or bad that we are given. Thank you again for your presence here and for your presence before the Father on our Ashley's behalf.

I apologize for originally titling my last post "Its Over". I didn't even think about what those words could mean. Please forgive me, I was referring to the tournament and the championship game.

The game is now over and the Tarheels won with a score of 12-9 in the top of the sixth. Yeah for our boys! I can't even begin to imagine just how many minutes we have used on our phones during this tourney, but I can't bare not being there with Blake as he plays in some way or another. I am so proud of the way he played this weekend. That kid is amazing and so are his team mates. I love those guys and they sure did deserve this win. Their first game this morning was at noon and then they played and won the next three in a row beginning at 4:00 and not ending until after 10:00. They played like champions and I am so glad they came out on top today. My Blake is exhausted and I am sure he is already sleeping as they make the 2 and half hour trip home. The long ride is so much sweeter with a trophy in your hand.

Ash has spent the day sleeping and she is still sleeping now. She woke up briefly this evening just long enough to make us all laugh as she spit and growled and talked to Blake and Allies pictures that hang on her wall. She got a fresh pair of jammies and out she went. She looks really good today, just tired and worn out from her last dose of chemo. She will probably have another sleepy day tomorrow and then we will begin week 3 on Tuesday. It seems as though the first half of the week after the dose she is grumpy and miserable with no sleep and then the last half all she can do is sleep. I am just thankful that this weeks brought no vomiting. I am praying that next week she will escape it again.

To say that I am a little excited about leaving some time tomorrow is an understatement, but at the same time I am a little scared too. The possibility of something happening and Ash taking a turn for the worse is very, very real and we will be 10 miles across town from the hospital. I hope I don't break my baby. I am terrified of doing something wrong. I know that if He gave this little one to me that He must believe that I am capable of figuring out how to take care of her, but sometimes I look at myself and wonder if He was really sure.

I keep telling all my friends (the nurses) how much they are going to miss us when we go and they just keep laughing at me. I know that they know we will more than likely return several times before we actually get to leave. I am just excited to make the initial break from the PICU all the way out of the hospital. Ash hasn't breathed outside air in 22 weeks. I can't wait for her to feel it on her puffy cheeks. I really am trying to be realistic and tell myself that we may not actually get out tomorrow, but this smile just keeps popping up on my face. I hope I will be able to sleep tonight.

What I know today is this: I really am living the life of my dreams. I really am blessed beyond measure. I really do have these three amazing kids that I wish you all could know. I really do have an incredibly handsome husband who loves me regardless of my gray hair and my wrinkles and my extra pounds. I really do have a wonderful life and beautiful baby girl who was handed to me by the Father that created her. As I lay down my head tonight and dream of the possibility of taking our first step toward home all I know is that I love my life.( and Tarheel Baseball!) Good night. Trish

Our Tarheels are playing in the championship game and the score is 6-5 us in the top of the 4th. Blake's last at bat was a standing triple and we scored 3 runs with it. We currently have 2 outs on the opponents and Blake just threw a guy out at second from behind the plate. Our guys just took the plate but there is still a whole lot of ballgame left to be played. Go Tarheels!

Ash doesn't think she looks as cute as I think she does. I tried to convince her that this is what all the babies who live in Nebraska wear, but she wouldn't even crack a smile for me. I sure am glad she can't tell me what she is thinking cause I'm pretty sure we would have to discipline her and that attitude. Anyway, I sure hope she gets the chance to wear it tomorrow.

I can't believe I am actually going to type about this. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now, but I'm just to excited and of course a little intimidated. It seems as though tomorrow will be our big day. Our day to leave the familiar halls of the PICU and prepare to settle into a new life in our new apartment. Just Ash and I. Maybe my mom, but no Dave, Blake, or Allie. It all seems so scary to be thinking and planning about living here on our own, but I know this has been the goal for so very long.

I have spent the day preparing to leave. I know it won't happen early in the day and it will probably be late evening by the time we actually arrive in the apartment, but as long as she stays looking good tonight and tomorrow then we should actually be discharged to an outpatient status.

As Ash was napping this afternoon( can you believe it?) I actually slipped out and bought her a new car seat and a coat. Her first one! Guess what size it is? Not 3mths, 6 mths, 9 mths, or 12mths, but an actual size 18mths! It was the last one in the store. It is not exactly the shade of pink that I would prefer, but it is in the pink family. Maybe a little more like berry or burgandy, but nonetheless it is going to be adorable on her. I will be happy to try it on her and take a picture to post later tonight. If we were in Texas there is no way she would even need a coat at this time in the season, but here in Omaha we just survived our first blizzard ever and there is still snow on the ground. I don't plan on taking her anywhere except to the transplant treatment center for chemo and clinic appointments, but she will still need to be bundled up for the drive.

I have been hauling loads of our "lives" out of our hospital room and into the car and it is full! The sad thing is that the room is still full too. I am not sure where Ashley and I are going to ride. I am hoping that one of the nurses who are my friends will be on tonight so that I know there would be someone who loves Ash here to hold her and play with her so that I might be able to run some things to the apartment. I also need to clean the apartment. It was left in such a mess the morning we rushed out at 4:30a.m. to catch the taxi to take everyone to the airport after Christmas. I still need to pick up some groceries and things so that we might survive until someone can fly in to help us. Maybe they would let me sneak Ash out with me tonight just to clean the apartment. I would promise to bring her back. Just kidding. I KNOW that won't happen.

I realize that things change so quickly in Ashley's life and that all of this may be for nothing, but it is still fun to plan and prepare to leave. I pray that if it is His perfect timing for us to make this move that it will happen. If it is not then I will be perfectly content to stay here until it is.

By the way, the Tarheels won this morning and they are just beginning game 2. If they want to win it all then they will play the next 3 games back to back and finish up the tournament late tonight. We hope this is what will happen for our guys, but if it doesn't then we know that they at least got a lot more experience and this is what will make them a better team. So come on everyone and root them on along with me and Ash. We are waiting for Dave to call and start our play by play. I hope your day was blessed and I thank you all for coming by our Ashley's story to check on our tiny(but getting bigger) pickle. Love, Trish

There are so many things I sit and wonder about. Some of the things that cause my mind to wonder are serious things concerning Ashley's life and health care. Some things I wonder about are silly things like whether or not Allie went to bed with matching pajama pieces on (doesn't matter to anyone else but I like for her to match).

Much of my wondering involves Ash's life and her future. I seem to write a lot about those type of things. What are His plans for her? Will she survive all of this? What will her childhood be like? Will she grow up to big things? There are times when I wonder about all of these things and then there are times when I wonder about what will life be like for us when we make it back home. I haven't written too much about these type of thoughts because honestly I have never felt like we were even close to going there. At this time I do feel as though the day will come for Ashley and I to return home and the wondering of what will that be like has seemed to really take off. As I talk to Dave throughout the days that we are apart many things about our lives have changed over the past five and half months. Our roles in the home have be re defined, and this realization causes me to wonder. One thing I know is that we are united. We are strong and we will somehow figure out how to live as normal life as possible once Ash and I get there, but I do wonder just how we will figure it out. The kids are changing and growing every day. I wonder how different they will be when I return. Will we do the same silly things together we did before I left or will they have outgrown them? Will we talk the way we always have or will there be a distance between us? I try so very hard to stay connected to them by speaking everyday about school and friends and the like, but its just different now. My Blake and Allison have experienced many things during the time I have been gone and I have not been a part of them. David has become their constant just as I have become Ashley's. It has been so very weird to have the five of us separated for so long and I just wonder how we will put it all back together. I wonder how they will feel each time Ash gets sick and has to be taken back to the hospital? I wonder if they will fear that it is starting all over again? More than anything I pray that we will all be able to pick up and move on from this separation and that we will continue being who we have always been.

Apart from the wondering about our roles in the children's lives I often wonder about mine and Dave's relationship. In many ways it has become stronger than ever. In other ways I feel such a distance. We are living two different lives that only come together and meet once every five or six weekends. How will we come back together? I think he has done a fabulous job of raising Blake and Allie and running the business and holding it all together, but I wonder where I will fit back into those things? He is constantly making decisions for the business and the older children and I am constantly making decisions here for our Ashley. There are times when I don't find out about decisions that have been made for days and it seems so odd that he would have had to handle those things without me. All of this makes me wonder how life will be once it returns to normal. I guess we will have a new normal.

When I say that I am wondering please don't mistake this for worrying. I don't worry about it all. I just think about it. I don't believe it will be easy to figure this all out, but I do believe that we WILL figure it all out. God has a plan and He always has. I know that His plan for this time in our lives has been laid out before us for several, several years. I can look back over the past 13 years and now see how or why certain situations and experiences have helped to mold us for the times we are now experiencing. I am certain that as long as we take it one day at a time and allow Him to continue working in our family that it will somehow all come together. I don't think it will happen easily, but I think it will happen. I just wonder how long it will take for our new normal to sink in and for all of us to fall back into the rhythm of our family of five. I've just been wondering.

Answered prayers really excite me. Especially when He sees exactly what you need and gives it at exactly the right times. Today my answered prayer came in the form of REST. SLEEP. A Ciesta. Yeah, us! We have been so tired and so exhausted but today Ash fell asleep around 2:00 and so did I. I just woke up and she is still snoring. I am so happy and so thankful! I really don't know if I could have made it through another night without any. Thank you for praying for us to get some rest. I feel so renewed.

Dave, Blake and Allison are in Dallas this weekend for a tournament. The Tarheels had a good first day of play. Not great, but good. They won both of their games today and Blake pitched a little. I think he did a fabulous job. I got the details of every pitch by phone and at one point Dave said to me, "I love to watch this kid play ball!" I giggled to myself and replied,"If you multiplied that by a thousand then you would know how much I love to watch that kid play ball!" Its true. This is a great kid. If you only knew what God put into the design of this one. He is wonderful, and I am so proud of who he is. I thank God everyday for the talents that He gave to Blake. He gave him a natural athletic ability which is wonderful to watch. Dave and I have always known that Blake may not be the best player out there, but we also know that you will never find a kid who plays harder out there than he does and this makes him one of the best. There is no stopping him. His drive, his desire, his passion, his competitiveness, his dream, his dedication, and his determination make a little bit of natural talent go a long way. This kid loves the game and he loves everything that comes with it. You can never practice long enough or hard enough for Blake. I don't know how he does all that he does out there. I asked him one day as they were running laps at the end of a long, hot practice how he keeps going. I was watching and listening to several of the guys whine as they walked their laps and then I watched my Blake run past them. He never said a word he just kept running. His answer to me was this,"Mom, I just tell myself over and over again while I'm running out there that this is why I'm going to be the one to make it. This will make me a better player." I was so proud of his answer. He is just determined to give it a 110% all the time. He has big dreams and I believe he will get there. I love this kid, and I am so thankful that I get to be his mom.

Allie and her best friend Chelsea have had a wonderful day playing. I am so grateful that God put another Tarheel little sister on our team just the right age to become good friends with our Allison. It sure makes the weekends a lot nicer knowing she is having fun while we are there. Ash has a Tarheel sister buddy also. Her name is Lexie. She is our little friend we asked you all to pray for with us. She is doing well. I won't go into a lot of detail out of respect for her family but they did find cancer last month and were able to have it removed. She has been at the games the last 2 weekends cheering her brother and the other guys on. It makes my heart SO happy knowing that she is going to be O.k. They were able to avoid having chemotherapy and I am so glad. My heart would be broken to know that Lexie was having to go through the same thing as my Ashley. I just can't wait to get my Ashley back out to the field to hang out with her friend too.

To sum up our Saturday I would have to say that God has been good to us yet again. We have been given so much more than we deserve and I will forever be grateful for the things He has given to us. Ash looks good today. Blake and Allie are having a great time with our friends. Dave and I are enjoying the games together over the phone and all is well. Someday our Ashley will get better, and we will join our family back home in Texas. Until then my prayer is that we are each serving the purpose that He has laid out for us at this time in our lives whether it be together or apart. I am blessed. I am rested, and I am ready to go again. Thanks for loving my baby. Thanks for praying for my family. I trust your day was filled with amazing blessings too.

In answer to a previous question. Blake normally plays right field and catcher. However today he played right field, left field and got to do some pitching. He came in to pitch in the middle of the first game and he was doing well so he got to start the next game. I was very proud of his pitching. He did a great job. The Tarheels won both of their games, 17-9 and 12-3. We look forward to some good games tomorrow.

The team has not yet rounded to give as a plan for today. They have been doing a transplant for most of the night and morning. The little patient is a friend of ours who has been here in the hospital while waiting on the list. I just spoke to his dad and he is of course exhausted from not sleeping all night and a little overwhelmed. I wish so badly that there was something I could do to make the next few days easier on him, but this road is so hard and so tough and you have no idea what you are getting into until you are there. It almost seems deceptive. You wait and pray for organs. This is your child's only hope of living. You don't choose transplant as an option. It becomes your ONLY option. It is in no way a cure. It does not assure them life. It is merely a chance. A chance that they otherwise would not have. I pray and pray and pray that our little friends transplant is the answer for him, but to be completely honest I don't even know if it has been the answer for my Ashley. Only God knows if our children will survive this process. I pray that neither he nor I lose this battle for our children's lives. We have to trust that God has a plan and that He is holding them in His hand.

Our favorite baseball team the TARHEELS are in the middle of their first game of the weekend. They were leading 15 to 6 when I last spoke with Dave. Blake hit an in the park home run on his first at bat of the tournament. What a great way to start. I hope this means good things are in store for our Tarheels. Sure wish Ash and I were there to root them on.

I will post with any news I receive about my grumpy princess during rounds. I am praying that things stay boring enough for us with no surprises that would keep us from going out to our apartment on Monday. We will just have to see. Thanks for stopping by today. Please add our little friend to your prayer lists. He has a rough week ahead of him. Have a great day and take care. Trish

In the last few days I have had many, many hours to examine every tiny detail of my baby girl as I sit and hold her trying to keep her from crying. As long as she is in my arms, on my lap, or perched on my hip then she doesn't scream. When I say scream I am talking so loud that you can hear it all the way down the halls. The other patients families pull their doors closed trying to escape her sounds. I honestly believe there are several nurses who now cringe at the thought of having to take us on for the day. I can't really blame them. I am her mommy and it exhausts me to hear it day after day. There are times when I have to lay her down so that I might actually go to the bathrroom, take a shower, or get somethng to eat, and wheb I return I never fail to hear someone commenting on the noise she is making. The wonderful thing about being her mommy is that I love her enough to see past all the trouble she is causing and to see the beauty she represents in my life.

Ashleys true beauty is not wrapped up in the appearance that He gave to her. Although she is beautiful to look at now, much of it is fading as the days progress. Her tiny body is scarred and bruised. Her little face is beginning to lose its beautiful features as the steroid portion of het chemo takes over. Tonight I noticed that all over her head the hair is beginning to break off at the roots and if you run your fingers through it you can feel the stubble that is being left behind. It is now so thin that you can see all the way through to her scalp. Her little eye correction may never be completed and it looks as though her left eye will remain closed and crossed. She has tubing and lines and buttons that come out of her chest and abdomen along with a very frightening looking stoma with an ostomy bag covering it. The chemo is causing her skin to put off a very strong "metallic" odor that is very difficult to cover with her yummy smelling lotion and she is constantly sweating. I am afraid that my tiny baby is looking and smelling more like a soldier in the midst of a battle than a princess fit for wearing crowns. I say all of this to let you know that it is the the heart of a Creator, and the heart of a mother that can look past all of this and see the true beauty that she represents. Ashley's true beauty is found in her very being. Her life. Her survival. Her testimony. Her miracles. Her perseverance. Her will. Her strength. Her representation of answered prayers. Her story. Her impact. Her fingerprints.

Ashley's physical beauty is fading away for the time being, but her true beauty contines to shine. She is the most beautiful thing that I have ever loved. She is the most beautiful person that I have ever known. She is the most beautiful thing that I have ever held. She is the most beautiful part of my life. I often tease her and tell her, "Its a good thing I'm your mommy, cause I don't know too many people who could love you this much!" She just looks at me and screams. I continue holding her and rocking her and continue praying for an extra measure of His grace and strength so that I don't pull my hair out along with everyone else who has to listen to her cries. As tough as this portion of my Ashley's story is I am still the one who has been blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I love this little girl and all that her struggles include. She is beautiful, and He has given her a beauty that surpasses all that I dreamed.

As you pray for my beautiful Ashley tonight would you please pray for me too. I need for Him to renew my strength, to give me rest, and to shower me with His grace at this time. It is exhausting at this time as I watch her struggle and try to help her through this chapter of her story. I must go and pick up my little pickle who has continued to scream the entire time I have typed this post. I hoped she would eventually tire and drift off to sleep, but she just continues to get louder and louder. Oh' well, its a good feeling to know that as soon as I place her in my arms she immediately becomes still and quiet. Good night from Omaha and the blizzard we are watching fall outside of our window. Thank you for continuing to care. I love you guys. Trish

The news of the day is a possible "release" on Monday barring any complications with Ash's health. At this time the oncologists have decided they would like to continue treating a possible pnuemonia in Ashley's lungs. The liver team has agreed to continue her on the two suggested antibiotics to try and keep the infection from worsening. Nothing has grown back on the cultures sent earlier this week so the only thing they can find is a hazy area in her lungs. They are not willing to take any chances since Ash is under going chemotherapy. I have asked if I can be allowed to run the antibiotics myself at the apartment as opposed to hanging out here for the next 2 weeks. We have been allowed to do this in the past and I am comfortable with the procedure of connecting them to her line and setting the pump. They judge and jury are still deciding this matter.

If we are allowed to leave then it looks like Ash and I will be coming to the hospitals treatment center and to the transplant clinic 3 days a week. The next 4 Tuesdays will be the longest days as we run her chemo treatments. On 1 of those Tuesdays we will be in chemo for 9 hours. On the remaining 3 only 6 hours. After those Tuesdays are complete then we will be allowed to go home to Texas as long as she does not get sick with any type of infection and if her organs continue to function well. Before leaving for home we must find a pediatric oncologist willing to finish Ash's chemo treatments for the remaining 12 weeks. We hope that will be in Dallas, but Houston is also a possibility. The chances of her not getting ill with such a low white count is very slim, but I know that God is still bigger than chemotherapy and low blood counts. I believe we will go home in His time.

I would like to say that I am excited about the possibility of leaving, but I know better. I'm not going to plan or prepare until the are telling me to "get out" on Monday. Then I might believe that it is going to happen. Dave is still picking his daisies under neath the rainbow that follows him around. He sounds like a kid the night before Christmas each time we talk. I appreciate our differences. I am thankful God gave him this optimistic disposition. It balances out my realistic one. I just hope that Ash and I get to pick a few of his daisies soon. It would be such a blessing to get her to a stable enough place in her recovery to actually leave the hospital and eventually make it home.

This little sleeping beauty all snuggled in close to her daddy is now refusing to sleep. For some reason she likes to cry ALL night long and it is making her mommy very grumpy. I think we need this knight in shining armor to return on his white horse(airplane) and rescue us both. If he would show up and climb back into this crib with her then I think the grumpy mommy could take a nap. If only this was more than just a "fairy tale". I guess I will just keep on trying to convince her that she and I both NEED to sleep.

Each night while tucking Blake and Allison into bed Dave spends time in prayer with them. Tonight he shared with me a little of Allie's. It went something like this.

Dear God,

Thank you for letting Ashley grow too big. Thank you that she can't fit into her car seat anymore, and that Mommy has to go and buy her a new one. Please let Ash grow and grow and grow. Grow so big that she can't even fit into our car anymore. In Jesus name, Amen.


Dave said, "Allie, I don't think we want her to grow that big.

Allie rolled her eyes at him and said, "Daddy, haven't you ever heard of using a figure of speech?"

I love that girl! While I was talking to her on the phone tonight Dave went and climbed into our bed. When we were finished talking I asked her to have daddy call me back. When Dave called he said he didn't know what he was going to go with that kid. After hanging up with me she CALLED him on the phone to tell him to come and get the phone from her so he could call me because I was waiting. He told her she was crazy and that she could bring the phone to him. "No, way. You already tucked me into bed. You need to come get the cell phone so you can call her." Dave refused to climb out of his bed to come and get the phone so she replied,"Mommy is not going to stand for this one!" He laughed and laughed at that girl and decided to call me on the other phone. She is just so funny.

While talking to Blake he informed me that dad refused to rub his feet after the tournament this weekend. I have been asking Dave to do that for me because its just tradition between Blake and I. Dave thinks were crazy and says there is no way he is going to rub that kids stinky feet. I tried to tell him that this is why Blake can run so fast. Its a secret between the two of us. The kid wears those cleats for hours and his feet get sore after playing ball all weekend. He deserves to have his feet rubbed at the end of a long tournament. Dave just isn't cooperating. He thinks I've spoiled my son. I haven't. I just really like the conversations that we have while I tuck him into bed and rub his feet at the end of those tournaments. Its time that I get to spend looking into the "windows" of Blake's heart. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Needless to say the kids can't wait for me to get back home to straighten dad out and to get things back to normal in our house. They also know there is no way I would allow him to feed them liver if I was living there.

Ash has had a pretty good day. She has been really weak from the chemo treatment, but after having an IVIG infusion(immuno globulins) she perked up a little bit. She got a little color in her cheeks and she actually grinned at me twice while I was rocking her tonight. I have enjoyed sitting and staring at her face. I keep trying to make a permanent memory of every detail of her in my mind. I love everything about her beautiful little self. She hung on to my finger so tight tonight that I could hear her saying, "I love you" a thousand times in that one squeeze. As I rocked her to sleep tonight I couldn't help but thinking how I wished my sweet friend Rosio had her Davian to hold and rock tonight. I will probably never see her again, but I am praying for her. They have a long trip back to Texas ahead of them, and I am praying that He would comfort her hurting heart.

Well I guess I am going to climb into my chair and start my Anne of Green Gables marathon. I just love those movies! I hope to get some rest tonight and to wake up to good news in the morning. God has once again blessed me with another day with our baby and I am so thankful to have had it. Thanks so much for checking in our little girl tonight. Good night and God Bless. Trish

On the other end of the line his laughter followed my statement. "Why are you laughing so hard?", I asked. I could hear the joy in Dave's voice.

"Did you hear what you just said to me? Thats GREAT!"

"Whats great? That we need a new car seat before we can go to the apartment?"

"Yeah. She FINALLY outgrew something!" "Shes TOO big!"

As I stopped to think about what we were discussing it all of a sudden became clear to me too. After 19mths of trying to get our little pickle to grow it almost seems unbelievable. Ash was 6mths old when we left the NICU to come home for the first time in her life. She weighed 12lbs that day. At 7 mths, 12lbs. At 8mths, 12lbs. At 9 mths, 12lbs. At 10mths, 12lbs. At 11mths,12lbs. At 12mths, 12lbs. At 13mths, 12lbs. At 14mths, 12lbs, and then transplant. Today at 19 months old our Ashley weighs 20lbs!, and she is too big to ride to our apartment in her infant carrier car seat. We honestly never thought this day would come for her. I will gladly go shopping for the appropriate size "ride" for our miracle baby.

It is almost unbelievable to me to think that we have spent her entire life trying to get her to grow and now it is finally happening. Our Ashley is finally receiving and absorbing nutrition. What most mommies and daddies take for granted has been the source of our struggle in securing a life and future for our baby. Ash couldn't grow with the intestine she was born with. If you can't grow, then you can't live. It is that simple. Only God could make this happen for us. Only He holds the keys to life and death and I know that all of us are born to fulfill His purpose. I wish our baby donor had not had to give up their tiny life, but our God used that tragedy to give us a precious gift that day. It is because of this gift that our daughter has been given more time.

Today I am celebrating the fact that she is FINALLY TOO BIG for something. Thank you to our donor family for being willing to love others in the midst of your greatest sorrow and tragedy. Thank you Father for allowing Ashley to be the recipient of that amazing gift and for allowing her body to finally begin growing. Thank you readers for your prayers that help her to keep going day after day after day.

Today I have been given life.

Today I have been given forgiveness.

Today I have been given grace.

Today I have been given love.

Today I have been given opportunity.

Today I have been given friendship.

Today I have been encouragement.

Today I have been given gifts.

I am thankful for today. I don't want to dwell on yesterday. I choose not to worry about tomorrow. Today I have been given another day to love my daughter. I have been given another opportunity to make memories with this little one. I have been given more than I deserve and I am thankful.